How to Ask for What You Need in the Bedroom — Without Feeling Like “Too Much"

Holly Wood
7 hours ago
6 min read

Couple reflecting on their sexual needs – Mission Viejo, CA 92691 — It’s not easy to ask — but it can change everything.

If the idea of telling your partner what you want in bed makes your stomach flip—not with excitement, but with dread—you’re not alone. So many people struggle with voicing their desires because they worry about seeming needy, demanding, or even broken. But the truth is, being able to ask for what you need is a cornerstone of healthy, satisfying sex.

In this blog, we’re going to unpack why asking for what you want feels so vulnerable, and how to do it anyway—with clarity, confidence, and compassion. You’ll get actual scripts you can use, plus strategies to regulate your nervous system and communicate in ways that deepen intimacy rather than cause distance.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

Why Asking for What You Need Feels So Vulnerable

When it comes to sexual communication, many of us carry invisible scripts written by past experiences, cultural conditioning, or relational dynamics. If you were raised to prioritize others’ needs over your own, had partners who shamed or ignored your preferences, or internalized beliefs about being “too much,” it makes total sense that asking for something sexually feels scary.

Our nervous system plays a big role here. When we risk vulnerability, especially around sex—a place where shame often hides—we may go into a fight, flight, fawn, or freeze response. That’s why the first step in asking for what you need is learning how to regulate your body.

Regulating Before Requesting: How to Calm the Nervous System

Person calming herself before talking about sex with her partner – Mission Viejo, CA 92691 — Ground first, then speak. Your body sets the tone for the conversation.

You don’t need to be fully Zen to have a tough conversation, but grounding your body can make a big difference. Here are a few ways to prep before talking to your partner:

Breathe: Take 3–5 slow belly breaths to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.
Touch something grounding: A textured object, a weighted blanket, or even holding your own hand.
Move your body: Gentle stretching, a short walk, or shaking out your arms can discharge nervous energy.
Name what’s happening: “I’m feeling anxious, and that makes sense. This matters to me.”

When we approach vulnerable conversations from a grounded place, we’re more likely to stay connected to ourselves and our partners.

The Difference Between Describing and Demanding

A key to effective sexual communication is framing. Your goal isn’t to criticize, demand, or control—it’s to collaborate. Instead of saying, “You never touch me the way I want,” you might try:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what helps me feel more connected during sex. Can I share something with you?”

This opens a door instead of putting up a wall.

Scripts for Speaking Up in the Bedroom

Couple discussing emotional safety and intimacy in relationship – Newport Beach, CA 92660 — Talking about sex doesn’t have to be awkward—it can be intimate, playful, and deeply connecting. Start small, stay curious, and make it yours.

Sometimes we just need a little language to get started. Here are a few script starters you can personalize:

If you’re feeling disconnected:

“I love being close to you, and lately I’ve been craving more physical intimacy. Can we talk about ways to reconnect sexually?”
“I miss how things used to feel between us, and I want to find our rhythm again. Can I tell you what’s been on my mind?”

If you want to explore something new:

“Would you be open to trying something a little different next time we’re intimate?”
“I’ve been curious about [X] and would love to talk about whether that’s something you’d be open to exploring with me.”

If you’re struggling to feel desire:

“I’ve been feeling kind of off when it comes to sex lately—not because of you, but because of everything on my plate. Can we talk about ways to ease back into connection?”
“I think my desire shows up more responsively than spontaneously. Maybe we could create more moments of closeness without pressure to ‘go all the way.’”

(For more on desire, check out my video on the different types of desire or Basson’s model of sexual response, which emphasizes that not everyone feels arousal before sexual activity—sometimes it shows up after things get started.) (Basson, 2000)

Creating a “Yes/No/Maybe” Intimacy Menu

An intimacy menu is a collaborative tool where each partner lists activities under “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe.” It helps remove guesswork and makes space for consent, creativity, and clarity.

You can include everything from:

Light massage
Cuddling naked
Watching erotica
Using toys
Exploring dominance/submission dynamics

Approach it like a date night activity. Use a glass of wine, some music, and curiosity—not pressure—as your companions. Feel free to create your own, or use my free “Yes/No/Maybe” list to help you get started.

What If They Don’t Respond Well?

This is often the biggest fear—and it’s valid. You might worry your partner will feel rejected, ashamed, or defensive. Here’s how to soften the landing:

Use “I” statements (“I’m feeling…” vs. “You never…”)
Affirm what’s working: “I love when you…”
Stay curious: “How do you feel hearing that?”
Pause if needed: “This feels big—can we revisit it when we’ve both had some time?”

If your partner shuts down or dismisses you, that’s important data—not a reflection of your worth, but a cue that relational dynamics may need deeper support.

Couple feeling the lack of emotional safety and intimacy in relationship – Newport Beach, CA 92660 — If they don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean you were wrong to speak up—it means the work is just beginning.

When Communication Isn’t Enough: What Therapy Can Offer

Sometimes, even with the best tools, you still feel stuck. That’s okay. As a licensed therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, I help clients move from disconnection and resentment to curiosity and closeness. We don’t just talk—we create space for real healing.

Whether you’re navigating mismatched desire, past trauma, or simply want to feel more pleasure and connection, therapy can be the container where things shift.

What to Expect if You Reach Out

When a new client contacts me, I know it’s taken courage to do so. We’ll start with a brief phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit. If it feels aligned, I’ll send you intake forms and schedule our first session.

That first session is about understanding what brought you here and what you’re hoping to change or explore. I’ll ask some questions to get a sense of your relationship dynamics, sexual history (at your comfort level), and any challenges or patterns you’ve noticed. There’s no judgment—only curiosity and care.

You’ll also have space to ask me anything about my style or approach. I offer virtual therapy throughout California, and in-person intensives in Mission Viejo.

What Happens After Care is Established

Once care is established, sessions become more tailored and focused. For couples, that might mean practicing new communication skills or learning how to navigate sex after parenthood or trauma. For individuals, it could mean healing body shame, shifting beliefs around pleasure, or understanding your own patterns of desire using tools like the Dual-Control Model of arousal (Janssen & Bancroft, 2007).

Our work will be compassionate—but it won’t stay surface-level. This is therapy that moves.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not “Too Much”—You’re Worthy of Deep Connection

Couple reconnecting after discussing their sexual needs – Mission Viejo, CA 92691 — Pleasure, intimacy, and feeling understood? That’s human. That’s worthy. That’s yours.

Wanting closeness, pleasure, and understanding is not asking for too much. It’s asking for what’s human. You deserve sex that feels good—not just physically, but emotionally and relationally.

Speaking your needs in the bedroom is one of the most vulnerable things you can do—and also one of the most empowering.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

Ready to Explore More?

If you're ready to get support, you can reach out through my contact page. I’d be honored to walk alongside you.

References

Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
Janssen, E., & Bancroft, J. (2007). The dual control model of sexual response. In D. Tolman & L. Diamond (Eds.), APA Handbook of Sexuality and Psychology.
Toates, F. (2014). How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge. Cambridge University Press.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.