Keeping the Spark: How to Maintain Sex and Desire in Long-Term Relationships

Even after years together, desire can be reignited through curiosity, care, and connection.

Remember those early days of your relationship when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Fast-forward a few years (or decades): between work deadlines, bills, and maybe kids or pets in the mix, that once-passionate flame might feel more like glowing embers. If this sounds familiar, you’re in good company. It’s extremely common for couples in long-term relationships or marriages to experience a decline in sexual desire over time. In fact, in a large survey of 3,500 people, more than 50% of those in committed relationships admitted they were bored or on the brink of boredom with their sex life. Desiring less sex doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you or your love; it means you’re human, living a real life with real stressors and routines. The good news? With some insight and effort, you can rekindle that spark and keep it burning in the long haul.

We’re going to dive into why desire often fades (hint: it’s not because you’re “broken” or because the love is gone) and explore research-backed ways to fan the flames again. We’ll talk about famed therapist Esther Perel’s “paradox of desire” – why the very safety that makes love feel secure can also make sex a snooze – and how understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire can totally change your perspective on what it means to "want" sex. We’ll also look at the dual-control model (think of your sexual accelerator and brake pedals) from researchers like Emily Nagoski and Dr. Erick Janssen, to understand what turns you on and what shuts you off. And of course, we’ll get to the good stuff: practical strategies (at least 5 of them, backed by evidence) to help you and your partner maintain intimacy and eroticism as the years go by.

So grab a comfy seat – we’re about to turn up the heat in a science-meets-real-life way. And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic! 😄

The Paradox of Desire: Safety vs. Passion in Long-Term Love

One of the biggest puzzles of long-term relationships is what Esther Perel calls the paradox of desire. We enter relationships seeking security, stability, and closeness – we build a cozy life together, know each other’s deepest secrets, and finish each other’s sentences. Yet those very qualities of safety and familiarity that nurture love can dampen the flames of erotic passion. As Perel famously observes, “Reconciling these two competing needs is at the heart of sustaining desire over time… It is a paradox to manage, not a problem to solve”. In other words, we crave both comfort and excitement, but long-term intimacy often tips the balance too far toward comfort.

Think about it: Desire thrives on the unknown – the sense that your partner is alluring, a bit mysterious, someone you want. But after years together, you might feel you know everything about each other, and there’s not much left to discover. You might love your partner dearly, but that element of intrigue has faded. As Perel puts it, “If love is about having, desire is about wanting. It is stoked by mystery, distance, and the realization that we never own our partner.” In a stable relationship, we have each other – which is wonderful for trust – but it can mean there’s no distance to create longing.

Sometimes desire rekindles when we see our partner through fresh eyes—confident, alive, and fully themselves.

Real-life examples of this paradox abound. Perhaps you’ve noticed you feel a jolt of attraction watching your spouse confidently give a presentation at work or deeply engaged in a hobby – seeing them shine in their element, almost like a new person for a moment. One person shared, “I am most drawn to my partner when I see them onstage doing something they’re passionate about,” because at that moment “this person who is so known to us is once again somewhat elusive.” Another common scenario: finding that you really miss your partner (and feel more desire) after they’ve been away on a business trip or even just out with friends. It makes sense – absence makes the heart grow fonder. As Perel’s research notes, when we spend a little time apart, it gives desire the space to breathe; longing kicks in, and suddenly that familiar person looks enticing again. On the flip side, spending 24/7 joined at the hip can smother desire: “When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire”. We all need a bit of separateness to keep the erotic charge alive.

The takeaway: It’s normal to struggle with this security-vs-passion tug of war. Long-term couples must dance between togetherness and apartness, finding ways to maintain trust and closeness without completely extinguishing the sense of otherness and novelty that fuels desire. Next, we’ll explore how understanding different types of desire and our internal arousal wiring can help crack this paradox.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Two Paths to “In the Mood”

Pop culture loves to portray sexual desire as spontaneous – the sudden, fiery lust that appears out of nowhere. This is the Hollywood version: two people locking eyes and instantly wanting to tear each other’s clothes off, or feeling randomly horny for no apparent reason. Some of us do experience desire this way: one sexy thought or a glimpse of our partner can spark arousal out of the blue. If you’re one of those folks who gets hit with “hey, I’m turned on!” unexpectedly, congratulations – you have what sex researchers call spontaneous desire.

But here’s a revelation: many people (especially in long-term relationships) don’t usually feel desire spontaneously, and that’s completely normal too. Instead, they experience responsive desire – meaning the desire builds in response to something, rather than leading the way. For someone with responsive desire, you might rarely think about sex out of nowhere. Instead, you get in the mood after things get going. Maybe you start cuddling or kissing, and your body warms up; maybe you need to watch a steamy scene or have your partner give you a massage before the “Oh, hey, I do want this” feeling kicks in. As one expert quips, some of us heat up like microwaves (fast and sudden), while others heat up like ovens (slow and steady) – neither is better than the other, just different timing.

Desire doesn’t always appear out of nowhere—sometimes it grows from touch, connection, and presence.

This concept was highlighted by researcher Dr. Rosemary Basson, who in 2000 introduced a new, circular model of sexual response particularly to explain women’s experiences in long-term relationships. Basson found that it’s common (not just for women, but for all genders) to engage in sex for reasons other than a surge of initial lust – like wanting intimacy, love, or to feel close – and that desire often emerges after arousal begins. In Basson’s model, sexual stimuli or affection might start for any number of reasons (e.g. “I just want to be close to my partner”), and as the kissing and touching continue, the body becomes aroused and then desire (the mental “I want this”) clicks in. This nonlinear cycle is a normal pattern, especially once the easy fireworks of the honeymoon phase give way to a more companionate love.

Understanding this spontaneous vs. responsive desire distinction can be a huge relief. It means that if you or your partner rarely crave sex out of nowhere anymore, you’re not broken – you might just need to start the fire to feel the heat. In fact, research over the last two decades confirms that the old “fairy godmother” idea of desire magically appearing is often a myth. When people believe desire should be spontaneous, they often end up feeling broken or frustrated when they actually have mostly responsive desire. There’s nothing wrong with you – you may simply need the right context or stimulation to get going. And once you do get going, the result can be just as satisfying.

The key is for couples to communicate and adjust expectations: if one partner tends to be spontaneous and the other responsive, misunderstandings can happen (“You never initiate! You must not want me,” vs. “I need to feel turned on before I get excited!”). Recognize that responsive desire is real desire – it counts! Neither style is “better” or more “passionate.” As Dr. Emily Nagoski explains, responsive desire is “a different style of experiencing desire, not inherently better or worse than desire that feels spontaneous.”

So, if you know you or your partner usually needs a nudge to get in the mood, plan for that. Don’t wait endlessly for lightning to strike; create the conditions for desire to unfold. This is where our next concept – the “accelerators and brakes” of your sex drive – comes in handy.

The Dual-Control Model: Finding Your Accelerator and Brakes

Ever wonder why sometimes you’re raring to go, and other times you’re just not feeling it, even if nothing obvious has changed? Enter the dual-control model of sexual response, a theory developed by researchers Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Jansse. In simple terms, your sexual arousal works like a car with two pedals: a gas pedal (accelerator) and a brake. The “sexual excitation system” (SES) is your internal accelerator – it notices and responds to sexy stimuli, saying “Yes, this is hot, turn on!” Meanwhile, the “sexual inhibition system” (SIS) is your internal brake – it monitors for reasons to not be aroused (stress, danger, distractions) and says “Whoa, turn off for now.” Your level of desire at any moment depends on the balance of how hard the accelerator is pressed versus how hard the brake is being applied (Basson, 2000).

Think of a time when you felt turned on – maybe your partner whispered something flirtatious or you started kissing. Your accelerators were being stimulated (dirty talk, physical touch, romantic ambiance – whatever “does it” for you). Now think of a time you didn’t want sex – maybe you were exhausted from work, worried about a deadline, or feeling upset with your partner. Those are your brakes in action (fatigue, stress, emotional tension, etc., all telling your body “now is not a good time for sex”). This model has been supported by plenty of research and even has questionnaires that measure individuals’ excitation vs. inhibition tendencies. We also know people vary – some have very sensitive accelerators (they get turned on easily by many things), and some have very sensitive brakes (they shut down arousal easily if something’s off). Many have a mix of both. Crucially, these two systems operate somewhat independently, meaning you could have a high sex drive and still have certain brakes that often interfere, for example.

Desire builds when our accelerators are engaged and our brakes are eased—understanding both is key to a fulfilling sex life.

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Understanding your own and your partner’s “on” and “off” buttons is a game changer for maintaining desire. Psychologist Emily Nagoski sums it up simply: “The process of becoming aroused is the dual process of turning on the ons and turning off the offs.” In long-term relationships, often what happens is the brakes pile on over time – stress about bills, fatigue from parenting, routine and boredom – while the accelerators (the novel, exciting stimuli) might diminish or become routine. The result? Less frequent ignition of desire.

The dual-control model gives us two clear avenues to work on: 1) Enhance the “ons” (find ways to press that gas pedal by introducing turn-ons and erotic energy), 2) Reduce the “offs” (ease up on those brakes by managing stress, conflicts, and other desire-killers). We’ll dive into specific strategies on both fronts in the next section. But the big insight here is that low desire isn’t a mystery – it’s often a context issue. As Nagoski and Janssen’s research highlights, things like anxiety, body image worries, or relationship conflict will slam your brakes; things like novel experiences, feeling emotionally connected, and sexual fantasies will hit your accelerator. Maintaining a great sex life over time means continuously tuning up the context so that it’s easier for desire to flourish (ons are on, offs are off).

Before this starts to sound too technical, let’s ground it in real life with some practical, evidence-informed strategies. Below, we’ll cover at least five strategies to help you reignite and sustain desire in your long-term relationship, incorporating everything we’ve discussed: embracing the paradox (balancing security and adventure), working with responsive desire (instead of against it), and managing those accelerators and brakes. Let’s turn theory into action!

Strategies for Maintaining Sexual Desire Over Time

Maintaining a vibrant sex life in a long-term relationship doesn’t happen on autopilot – it takes a bit of intentional effort and creativity from both partners. The payoff, though, is huge: not just better sex, but often a closer relationship overall. Here are five practical strategies, backed by research and expert insight, to help keep the passion alive:

1. Communicate Openly About Your Needs and Desires

It might sound obvious, but good old-fashioned communication is consistently linked to better sex. Being able to talk openly – and non-judgmentally – about what you want, what you fantasize about, and what’s not working is crucial to maintaining desire. Couples who communicate about sex report significantly higher satisfaction (one meta-analysis found a strong positive correlation between sexual communication and both relationship happiness and sexual satisfaction, r ≈ .4 on average). Open communication ensures that misunderstandings about desire differences are cleared up: for example, you can share “I love it when we try X” or “Sometimes I need more time to get in the mood, but I do enjoy it when we get there”. This kind of transparency builds trust and can itself be a turn-on – knowing your partner is invested in a pleasurable sex life for both of you.

Open, honest conversations about sex can deepen trust and reignite desire.

Practical tips for communication:

• Schedule a chat outside the bedroom: Pick a low-stress time to talk about your sex life. Frame it positively (e.g., “I love when we’re together like this, and I want to make sure we keep our connection strong. Can we talk about what turns us on lately?”).

  
  

• Use “I” statements and be specific: “I realized I feel more turned on when we take time kissing, instead of rushing,” or “I’ve been curious to try ___, what do you think?” This invites collaboration rather than criticism.

  
  

• Listen and be open-minded: Encourage your partner to share too, and really listen. If they express a need (say, more foreplay or different timing of sex), try not to take it as an insult – it’s valuable information for both of you to use in spicing things up.

  
  

• Be honest but kind: If there are things on your mind (low libido, boredom, changes in preference), voicing them gently prevents resentment from building. You might even discover solutions together, like incorporating a new fantasy or adjusting frequency expectations.

  
  

The more you can talk about sex as teammates, the better you can navigate changes over time. And remember, these conversations are ongoing – as life throws new phases at you (busy job, new baby, health issues, menopause, etc.), checking in about your intimate life keeps you connected and adaptive.

2. Mix Comfort with Novelty – Create Excitement Through Change

Long-term couples often fall into routine – same positions, same day of the week, or simply less effort over time. One of the biggest libido killers cited by couples is boredom. So, a powerful strategy is to consciously infuse novelty and variety into your shared life. This doesn’t mean you need wild circus acrobatics in bed (unless you’re into that!); it can be as simple as doing anything new or unexpected together. Research shows that novel experiences trigger dopamine, the same brain chemical that fires during early-stage romance and sexual excitement. By shaking things up, you recreate some of that “new love” thrill.

Some ideas to try:

Novel experiences spark connection and help you see your partner with fresh eyes.

• Plan an adventurous date or getaway: Break your routine by traveling somewhere new or doing an activity you haven’t done before (hiking a trail, taking a cooking class, dancing, an amusement park – whatever gives a mix of fun + a pinch of adrenaline). One study found that couples who engaged in exciting new activities reported higher relationship satisfaction and more sexual desire afterward. When you see your partner out of the usual context, you often see them with “new eyes,” which can rekindle attraction.

  
  

• Switch up your sexual script: If intercourse is always the main event, try putting it aside occasionally and explore outercourse – all the other sexy things like extended foreplay, oral sex, sensual massages, or using a new toy. Many couples find that focusing on pleasure rather than a goal (like orgasm or penetration) takes pressure off and brings back playfulness. In fact, a recent study of thousands of men found that a majority engaged in non-intercourse activities and many said those experiences were highly satisfying. Essentially, don’t let your sex life go on autopilot – surprise each other. Maybe it’s new lingerie, a different time of day, a different room in the house, or even making out like teenagers on the couch instead of in bed.

  
  

• Fantasy and role-play: Our imaginations are powerful tools for novelty. Share a fantasy with your partner and see if you can safely act it out, or at least weave elements of it into your dirty talk. If you’ve never tried role-playing, it can be as simple as pretending you’re strangers meeting at a bar, or as elaborate as full costumes. The point is to break out of your usual identities and explore new facets of each other.

  
  

• Take inspiration and learn together: Consider reading a spicy book or watching an erotic film together. Afterwards, talk about what scenes or ideas turned you on (instant novelty ideas!). You can also read a book on sexual techniques or attend a workshop for couples – learning something new about sex as a team can be exciting in itself.

  
  

Importantly, make sure any novelty is mutually consensual and comfortable for both of you. The goal is to have fun and be playful. As sex therapist Ian Kerner notes, remember that sex is supposed to be about having fun together – not another chore or performance. By injecting a sense of play, adventure, and surprise, you prevent your sex life from stagnating. And bonus: trying new things together also deepens your emotional bond, because you’re continually discovering each other in new ways (just as you did when dating).

3. Maintain Some Independence and Mystery 

While it’s important to spend quality time together, maintaining a sense of individuality can actually fuel long-term desire. This ties back to Perel’s paradox: love flourishes with closeness, but erotic desire often needs a hint of distance or otherness. So, one strategy is to intentionally cultivate a bit of separate space and personal growth for each partner. This isn’t about pulling away from the relationship; it’s about each of you thriving as individuals so there’s something interesting to spark against.

Ways to do this:

• Pursue your own hobbies and passions: When you or your partner are doing something independently that lights you up – whether it’s an art class, playing in a band, hitting the gym, or excelling at work – you each get to see one another as the confident, interesting individuals you are. As I mentioned, seeing your partner “in their element” can be a major turn-on. It reminds you (and them) that they aren’t just your comfortable roommate; they’re also that intriguing person you fell in love with, who has talents and aspects still to discover.

  
  

• Spend a little time apart: If you’re together all the time, consider building in small separations. It could be as simple as having a “girls’ night” or “guys’ night” out regularly, or weekend trips solo or with friends/family. Even sleeping apart for a night occasionally (if one of you is a snorer or night-owl) can introduce a tiny dose of absence that makes reunions sweeter. According to Perel, “desire is rooted in absence and longing… If our partner is in front of us all the time, a little time away allows them to re-occupy our imagination.” When you reunite, you might just feel excited to see each other rather than the usual routine.

A little space can bring you closer. Time apart helps rekindle longing and appreciation.

• Surprise each other: Mystery doesn’t have to mean secrecy; it can mean not being entirely predictable. Surprise your spouse with a small gift, a sudden gesture of affection, or by changing up your look occasionally. Even something like a new hairstyle or wearing that cologne/perfume they haven’t smelled in a while can catch their attention. Little surprises can prevent the feeling that you have your partner “all figured out.”

  
  

• Keep some personal boundaries: In long-term cohabitation, it’s easy to lose all privacy (bathroom door always open, zero personal secrets). While total transparency can signal trust, a touch of privacy or autonomy can be sexy. For instance, having some separate time in your day (journaling, exercising, meditating – solo activities) can help you stay in tune with yourself. You might even have private thoughts or fantasies that you don’t fully share – and that’s okay. As strange as it sounds, a bit of otherness can breed attraction. Knowing that your partner isn’t 100% “yours” to control – they are their own person – can create that alluring sense of wanting to bridge a gap.

  
  

The main idea is to avoid fusion – that state where you’re so blended in routines and roles (parents, coworkers at home, household managers) that the polarity and attraction diminishes. By nurturing your individual lives, you generate more to talk about, more to admire in each other, and yes, more to desire. As one couple I was working with put it, we fell into a rut when we only did “mom and dad” things; we got our mojo back when we each started doing our own interesting things again and saw each other with fresh eyes. It’s a balancing act: you don’t want to drift into living separate lives, but neither do you want to become one indistinguishable unit. Interdependence – two connected, loving people who each still have a self – is the sweet spot for lasting passion.

4. Embrace Responsive Desire – Don’t Wait, Create the Moment

As discussed earlier, many people in long-term relationships often feel responsive desire. This means you might rarely be instantly in the mood, but once you get started (even if you weren’t sure you wanted to), you end up thoroughly enjoying sexual intimacy. A key strategy, then, is to actively embrace this style instead of fighting it. In practice, that often means scheduling or planning intimate time and being willing to begin intimacy without requiring that lightning bolt of lust first. Think of it as “warming up the engine”: you might not be revved up at the start, but you trust that with some affectionate touch, kissing, or relaxation, the desire will kick in.

Now, many people resist the idea of “planning sex” – it can sound unromantic, or like it shouldn’t be necessary. But consider this: we schedule important things in our lives all the time to make sure they happen, so why not prioritize our sexual connection the same way? As Emily Nagoski muses, “I’m not sure why we got to a place where the automatic, involuntary reactions (like spontaneous desire) are seen as better indicators of love than our intentional, deliberate actions.” In fact, choosing to set aside time for intimacy shows how much you value it. You’re saying, “This matters to us, and we’re going to protect time for it.”

How to do it without it feeling forced:

• Put it on the calendar creatively: You don’t have to label it “SEX at 9pm” (unless that works for you!). You can use code words or emojis between you, or just agree that Friday night is your time to be together with no phones or distractions. Knowing it’s coming can actually build anticipation – flirt a little about it during the day (“Can’t wait for our private time tonight 😘”). Planning can become a sexy secret between you and your partner and proof that you prioritize each other.

Scheduling intimacy doesn’t kill the mood — it builds anticipation and keeps connection intentional.

• Start with low pressure: When your scheduled moment arrives, set the mood to encourage responsive desire. Maybe have a shower or bath together, give each other back rubs, or just make out without the expectation it must lead to intercourse. Nagoski suggests coming to the encounter in a “curious or neutral” state of mind – you’re not obligated to feel horny on command, you’re just showing up and seeing what unfolds. Maybe you’ll end up having lazy, cozy sex; maybe it becomes a hot and heavy session; or maybe you simply cuddle and fall asleep – and if the latter happens, that’s okay too, it means your body needed rest. The goal is to give desire a chance to emerge by creating a relaxed, intimate context.

  
  

• Use what helps you get going: Since responsive desire needs a nudge, think about what usually puts you in a sexy headspace. Perhaps it’s reading some erotica or watching a steamy scene together. Perhaps it’s a certain playlist of sultry music, dimming the lights, and wearing something that makes you feel confident. Perhaps you need a walk and some laughter to transition out of “work mode” and into “lover mode.” Don’t hesitate to use these cues. They’re like kindling to help start the fire.

  
  

• Stay open to pleasure and stop if it’s not working: As you begin fooling around, focus on pleasure and connection, not performance. If you truly aren’t feeling it even after some fooling around, you can always mutually agree to pause – maybe a rain check if one of you just isn’t up for it that day. But more often than not, if you approach intimacy without pressure, you’ll find yourselves warming up. Remember, desire can be the result of arousal and positive experiences, not just the cause. So let the pleasurable sensations and emotional closeness guide you into wanting more. As Nagoski cleverly says, responsive desire isn’t a “fairy godmother” that appears magically, it’s more like a partner-in-crime that needs a little planning to pull off a heist – in other words, it takes intentional set-up, but then it can surprise you with how hot it gets.

  
  

By normalizing and working with responsive desire, you remove so much unnecessary frustration. Couples often tell me that once they embraced, “Hey, it’s okay that we have to get started to get turned on,” they stopped feeling rejected or inadequate. One partner might initiate physical closeness knowing the other needs time, and the other agrees to that closeness knowing it often leads to arousal. This mutual understanding creates a positive feedback loop instead of a cycle of misreading each other. Responsive desire is just as valid – it leads to fulfilling, “happy” sex lives when honored.

5. Remove the Obstacles: De-Stress and Prioritize Pleasure 

Sometimes, the flame of desire is dim not because of any lack of love or attraction, but because it’s being smothered by the wet blanket of life’s stresses and strains. An essential strategy for keeping passion alive is to actively manage the factors that inhibit desire – those “brakes” we talked about. Chronic stress, fatigue, unresolved conflicts, and poor body image or self-esteem can all tank your libido. Studies show that chronic stress is linked to lower sexual arousal and desire levels, largely due to the effects of stress hormones like cortisol interfering with our sexual response. In fact, research has found that ongoing high stress can even lower testosterone (for all genders), contributing to a drop in libido. So, if you want to want sex, it’s important to address stress and other obstacles head-on.

Here are some ways to do that:

Sometimes the key to rekindling desire starts with slowing down. Relaxation helps your body remember what pleasure feels like.

• Stress reduction and self-care: This isn’t fluffy advice – it’s genuinely important. Prioritize sleep (a tired body won’t feel much desire; sometimes the sexiest thing is a full night’s rest), find ways to unwind daily (exercise, meditation, hobbies, downtime – whatever reduces your tension). If you’re chronically anxious or burned out, consider that tackling this (maybe with a therapist or doctor’s help) isn’t just good for your health, it’s good for your sex life too. Couples can also help each other de-stress: perhaps establish a routine of venting about your day for 10 minutes, then consciously shifting into “relax mode” together (take a walk, cuddle and watch a show, etc.). When your overall cortisol levels drop, your body is more likely to respond to sexual cues positively.

  
  

• Deal with relationship conflicts outside the bedroom: It’s extremely hard to feel frisky with someone if you’re harboring anger, resentment, or hurt. Emotional intimacy and feeling valued by your partner play a huge role in desire for many people. One study on “desire discrepancy” found that feeling emotionally disconnected can manifest as lack of sexual interest. So, regularly do a relationship check-in. If something’s bothering you, address it kindly rather than letting it fester. Agree on times to problem-solve issues (money, in-laws, etc.) so that those issues don’t leak into every romantic moment. And absolutely avoid criticizing or belittling your partner around sexual matters – that’s a massive brake. Instead, use the communication tips from Strategy #1 to keep your bond strong. Kindness, affection, and appreciation throughout daily life create an emotional climate where desire can thrive.

  
  

• Boost your body image and confidence: It’s hard to feel sexy when that little voice in your head is saying, “Ugh, I look so fat/bald/old/etc.” Unfortunately, over years our bodies change, and sometimes people withdraw from intimacy because they feel insecure. If this is you, know that your partner is likely far less critical of you than you are. They probably still find you attractive (after all, they’re still here wanting closeness with you!). Work on self-compassion and focusing on what you do love about your body. Perhaps invest in lingerie or clothing that makes you feel alluring, or set the lighting low if that helps you feel less self-conscious. And partners, reassure each other! Compliment how each other looks, and not just during sex. Feeling seen and cherished as a physical being by your spouse can seriously turn up the heat.

  
  

• Make healthy lifestyle choices together: Our physical health can’t be separated from sexual desire. Things like hormonal imbalances, medications, or health conditions can affect libido. While some factors require medical advice (never hesitate to talk to a healthcare provider if you suspect a physiological issue), many lifestyle tweaks help both health and desire. For example, regular exercise can boost mood, blood flow, and confidence – all desire-friendly. Eating well and limiting excessive alcohol can improve energy levels (a glass of wine might relax you, but too much can numb arousal). Even practicing mindfulness can enhance sexual enjoyment by keeping you present in the moment. Think of it as getting your body and mind into a place where hitting the “accelerator” yields a response.

  
  

• Address specific sexual inhibitors: If there’s something specific holding you back sexually – say, pain during intercourse, or worry about kids walking in, or you just feel stuck in a routine – address it concretely. Perhaps seeing a medical professional or sex therapist for pain issues, investing in a lock for the bedroom door or finding childcare for a scheduled date night, or reading a book about sexual techniques for inspiration. Sometimes one small change (like using a quality lubricant to ease discomfort, or agreeing to a “no intercourse, just play” rule for a while to remove performance pressure) can remove a big roadblock and rekindle desire.

  
  

In short, set yourselves up for success by creating a life context that’s conducive to passion. When you actively protect your relationship from overwhelm and drudgery, you’re essentially releasing the brakes that have been quietly keeping your sex life in park. Many couples I counsel notice a big uptick in affection and desire when they, for instance, start sharing chores more equitably (reducing one partner’s exhaustion), or commit to a tech-free hour before bed (reducing distractions), or resolve a lingering argument. It’s like clearing the weeds so the flowers can grow.

6. Prioritize Affection, Touch, and Being Present Together 

Keep touch alive, even when it’s not about sex. Small moments of affection keep love, connection, and desire thriving.

Finally, a perhaps counterintuitive tip: not all touch has to lead to sex, but keeping physical affection alive is key to sexual desire. Couples who stop kissing, hugging, holding hands, or cuddling often report feeling like “roommates.” On the flip side, consistent non-sexual touch maintains a baseline of intimacy that makes transitioning to sexual touch feel more natural. Make a habit of small affectionate gestures – a morning kiss, sitting close on the couch, a random back rub. This reinforces your bond and keeps oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) flowing, which can enhance feelings of connection and lower stress.

Additionally, practice being fully present during intimate moments. In long-term relationships, it’s easy for sex to become a quick, mechanical act or for your mind to wander (planning tomorrow’s schedule while mid-act – it happens!). Great lovers in long relationships cultivate the ability to focus on the moment – to savor the sensations, make eye contact, and emotionally connect during sex. Research by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz on “magnificent sex” in long-term couples found that being present and fully engaged was a major factor that distinguished extraordinary lovemaking. This might mean setting aside enough time so you’re not rushed, doing a brief mindfulness exercise together before getting frisky (even just 5 deep breaths looking into each other’s eyes), or guiding each other in what feels good right now. When you’re both mentally and emotionally in sync during sex – not thinking about the past or future, but just being – it can transform even simple acts into something deeply satisfying.

And don’t neglect the emotional intimacy outside the bedroom that makes these moments possible. Continue to date each other, share dreams and worries, laugh at inside jokes, and express love in the everyday. Desire fluctuates, but a foundation of love and friendship in your marriage or partnership is the soil that nurtures those sparks when they do fly. Couples who report long-term sexual satisfaction often say it’s not just the fancy techniques or frequency of sex, but the overall sense of connection, trust, and mutual respect that keeps their desire robust well into their gray hair years.

Conclusion: 

Desire in long-term relationships is a bit of a moving target – it will wax and wane, and that’s normal. Instead of fearing the natural lulls, view them as signals inviting the two of you to intentionally tend the flame. By understanding concepts like the paradox of desire (needing balance between comfort and novelty), recognizing your style of desire (spontaneous, responsive, or both), and tuning into your accelerators and brakes, you gain insight into the mechanics of your arousal. Combine that knowledge with open communication, a dash of creativity, and a commitment to prioritize each other amid life’s busyness, and you have a recipe for sustaining a passionate connection for years to come.

Remember, every couple is unique. What works for another pair might not be your magic key, and vice versa. Stay curious together – think of yourselves as co-adventurers in the land of Eros. Even challenges like mismatched libidos or life transitions can be navigated if you approach them as a team, armed with empathy and good information. And if you hit a roadblock you can’t get past, there’s no shame in seeking advice from a qualified sex therapist or counselor who can offer personalized strategies.

Above all, be kind to yourselves. Long-term love is a beautiful, complex journey. The fact that you’re reading about how to improve your intimate life shows that you care, and that in itself is a wonderful sign. With a little effort and openness, you can keep writing new chapters of your love story – chapters filled with connection, desire, and yes, great sex. Here’s to keeping the spark alive! 

Sometimes, the deepest connection happens in quiet moments. Intimacy grows when you simply hold each other and feel safe together.

References:

• Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51–65. https://doi.org/10.1080/009262300278641

• Kerner, I. (n.d.). How to get the excitement back. Psyche Magazine. Retrieved from https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-rekindle-a-long-term-sexual-relationship-in-five-strategies

• Kleinplatz, P., & Ménard, A. (2020). Magnificent sex: Lessons from extraordinary lovers. Routledge.

• Mallory, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples’ sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358–371. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000946

• Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 237–258. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000148

• Nagoski, E. (2015, March 27). The science of saving your sex life. Medium. Retrieved from https://medium.com/galleys/the-science-of-saving-your-sex-life-ed9cfeb4edd7

• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster: New York, NY.

• Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York: HarperCollins.

• Perel, E. (2014, Nov 10). Safety vs. adventure in relationships. Medium. Retrieved from https://medium.com/@EstherPerel/safety-vs-adventure-in-relationships-188b1292bb3a

• Perel, E., & Miller, M. A. (n.d.). In long-term relationships, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? EstherPerel.com Blog. Retrieved from https://www.estherperel.com/blog/when-are-you-drawn-to-your-partner-in-long-term-relationships

• The Kinsey Institute. (n.d.). Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. Retrieved from https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/dual-control-model.php

• Posterity Health. (2023). The complex relationship between stress and sexual dysfunction in men. Retrieved from https://posterityhealth.com/sexual-dysfunction/the-complex-relationship-between-stress-and-sexual-dysfunction-in-men/

• Ševčíková, A., Gottfried, J., Gocieková, V., Gore-Gorszewska, G., Blinka, L., & Kotík, J. (2023). The role of non-penetrative partnered sex activities in the associations among erectile difficulties, sex and relationship satisfaction in men aged 50+. International Journal of Sexual Health, 35(1), 30-40.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.