The Top 7 Sexual Fantasies (and How to Talk About Them

Your fantasies aren’t strange. They’re human. Nearly everyone has them, and exploring yours can be a doorway to deeper self-understanding and pleasure.

When most people think about sexual fantasies, they picture something secret, maybe even a little taboo. You might assume your desires are strange or rare—but the truth is, you’re in very good company. Research consistently shows that almost everyone has sexual fantasies, and many of the themes are far more common than you’d think.

In fact, Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s groundbreaking study of more than 4,000 Americans revealed that 97% of participants had at least one sexual fantasy, and most had many (Lehmiller, 2018). What’s more, the fantasies people reported weren’t obscure or extreme—they often fell into seven main categories that cut across gender, orientation, and age.

So if you’ve ever wondered whether your fantasy is “normal,” the answer is yes. Your erotic imagination is part of being human.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

What Is a Sexual Fantasy?

A sexual fantasy is any mental image, scenario, or thought that brings you erotic excitement. It might involve a detailed storyline or just a fleeting idea that sparks desire. Fantasies allow us to explore pleasure, novelty, and even parts of ourselves that we may not express in everyday life.

Psychologists often note that fantasies don’t necessarily mean you want to act on something in real life. Sometimes they’re simply a mental playground—a space where the rules don’t apply, and where you get to explore desire safely.

Fantasies are a safe space for exploring desire, No rules, no shame, just curiosity and pleasure.

Why Is It Hard to Talk About Fantasies?

Even though fantasies are universal, they’re often hard to share. Shame, fear of rejection, and cultural conditioning all play a role. Many of us were raised with sexual scripts that label certain desires as “dirty” or “abnormal,” leaving us reluctant to open up to partners.

Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, described this tension as the “paradox of desire.” The very things that turn us on are often mixed with taboo, fear, or conflict (Morin, 1995). That edge of the forbidden is part of what makes fantasies so compelling—but it also makes us hesitant to say them out loud.

The Seven Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Lehmiller’s study (Tell Me What You Want) identified seven major categories of sexual fantasies (Lehmiller, 2018). Let’s explore each, along with why they’re so popular.

1. Multipartner Sex

Multipartner fantasies are among the most common—imagining abundance, variety, and the freedom to explore pleasure without limits.

Threesomes, orgies, and group sex were the single most common fantasy theme, reported by more than 95% of participants. People often imagined being the center of attention, desired by multiple partners at once.

Why it’s popular: Multipartner fantasies often symbolize abundance, variety, and validation. They allow people to imagine unlimited pleasure, as well as to explore voyeurism (watching) and exhibitionism (being watched).

2. Power, Control, and Rough Sex

BDSM themes—such as spanking, bondage, domination, submission, or role reversal—appeared in most people’s fantasies. About 61% of women, 54% of men, and 68% of non-binary participants reported fantasies of being forced (in a controlled, consensual way).

Why it’s popular: BDSM provides a way to explore vulnerability, intensity, or letting go of responsibility. Psychologists have suggested several explanations—from stress relief through altered states (Baumeister, 1988) to the deep emotional meaning people attach to roles like dominance or submission.

3. Novelty, Adventure, and Variety

This category includes sex in unusual locations (cars, beaches, semi-public places), experimenting with toys or food, trying new positions, or role-playing. It’s all about doing something different.

Why it’s popular: Humans are wired to crave novelty. In biology, this is called the Coolidge effect—the tendency for arousal to renew with new stimuli (Wilson et al., 1963). In psychology, self-expansion theory suggests that people are motivated to grow and explore new experiences (Aron & Aron, 1986). Novelty keeps sex exciting.

Novelty keeps intimacy exciting. Exploring new roles, settings, or sensations can spark curiosity and bring fresh energy into your sex life.

4. Taboo and Forbidden Sex

From voyeurism to exhibitionism, many people fantasize about crossing lines. Some taboo fantasies (like incest or nonconsensual scenarios) are highly controversial—but Lehmiller’s research shows they exist on a spectrum, and having them doesn’t mean someone wants to act on them.

Why it’s popular: The “forbidden fruit” effect makes breaking rules exciting. During arousal, disgust and inhibition lower, which can make taboo themes feel arousing even if they wouldn’t be appealing in daily life (Ariely & Loewenstein, 2006).

5. Passion, Romance, and Intimacy

Not all fantasies are edgy—many involve emotional closeness. Roughly 70% of participants said they rarely fantasize about emotionless sex. Instead, they imagined scenarios where they felt deeply wanted, validated, or romantically connected.

Why it’s popular: These fantasies reflect our universal need for belonging (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). They remind us that sexual fulfillment isn’t just about physical acts—it’s about feeling seen and cherished.

6. Nonmonogamy and Partner Sharing

Different from group sex, these fantasies involve consensual nonmonogamy—such as swinging, cuckolding, open relationships, or polyamory. For example, 79% of men and 62% of women reported fantasizing about open relationships.

Why it’s popular: For some, nonmonogamy represents freedom, novelty, and exploration without betrayal. It’s about expanding what intimacy could look like, rather than rejecting a partner.

7. Erotic Flexibility and Gender-Bending

Gender play and cross-dressing fantasies are more common than many realize. They create space to explore fluidity, flexibility, and hidden sides of ourselves.

Cross-dressing, gender play, and same-sex encounters were surprisingly common, even among people who identify as straight. Nearly 1 in 3 men and 1 in 4 women reported fantasizing about being with a transgender partner, and many imagined trading bodies or genders.

Why it’s popular: These fantasies highlight how fluid sexuality can be. They allow people to challenge rigid gender roles, explore hidden sides of themselves, or imagine new ways of being. Research suggests women in particular show high levels of erotic flexibility and sexual fluidity (Diamond, 2008).

Do Fantasies Need to Be Acted On?

Here’s the important part: having a fantasy doesn’t mean you should or must act on it. Many fantasies are best left in the imagination. They can serve as fuel for arousal, a way to explore desire, or simply an erotic escape.

Remember the paradox of desire: often, what turns us on precisely because it’s not something we’d actually want in real life (Morin, 1995). That doesn’t make the fantasy less valid.

How to Share a Fantasy With Your Partner

Sharing fantasies isn’t about demands. It’s about trust, curiosity, and deepening intimacy.

If you do want to share a fantasy with your partner, here are a few tips:

1. Start with curiosity. Frame it as an invitation rather than a demand: “I had a fantasy recently that really turned me on. Want to hear about it?”

2. Choose the right setting. Don’t spring it on your partner in the middle of sex unless that’s already your dynamic. A calm, private conversation works best.

3. Focus on safety. Reassure your partner that sharing doesn’t mean you expect to act it out—it’s simply about intimacy and trust.

4. Be prepared for differences. Your partner may not share the same fantasy, and that’s okay. The goal is openness, not identical desires.

Ways to Safely Explore Fantasies

If you and your partner decide you’d like to explore, keep these principles in mind:

• Consent first. Everything should be negotiated and agreed upon.

• Start small. If you’re curious about public sex, begin with role-play at home. If you’re drawn to BDSM, try light power play before anything intense.

• Use safe words. Establish a clear stop signal.

• Build aftercare in. Especially for power play, take time afterward to reconnect emotionally.

Final Thoughts

Fantasies are a universal part of desire—complex, creative, and deeply human. Exploring them with openness can turn them into pathways for connection.

Sexual fantasies are not only common—they’re nearly universal. From multipartner encounters to romance, from taboo scenarios to gender play, fantasies give us a window into our erotic imagination.

The key is understanding that fantasies don’t have to dictate behavior. You can enjoy them privately, share them with a partner for greater intimacy, or safely experiment if both of you are comfortable.

Ultimately, your fantasies are a reminder that desire is complex, creative, and deeply human. And with openness and curiosity, they can become a pathway—not a barrier—to connection.

References

• Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell me what you want: The science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

• Morin, J. (1995). The erotic mind: Unlocking the inner sources of sexual passion and fulfillment. HarperCollins.

• Baumeister, R. F. (1988). Masochism as escape from self. Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 28–59.

• Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual fluidity: Understanding women’s love and desire. Harvard University Press.

• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.

• Ariely, D., & Loewenstein, G. (2006). The heat of the moment: The effect of sexual arousal on sexual decision making. Journal of Behavioral Decision Making, 19(2), 87–98.

• Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. Hemisphere Publishing Corp.

• Wilson, J. R., Kuehn, R. E., & Beach, F. A. (1963). Modification in the sexual behavior of male rats produced by changing stimulus females. Journal of Comparative and Physiological Psychology, 56(3), 636–644.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.