10 Reasons You Might Be Experiencing Low Libido (And What You Can Do About It)

Today, I want to debunk a common myth that might be harming your sexual wellness journey: there’s no such thing as “sex drive.” Yep, you heard that right.

While the phrase “sex drive” is everywhere—from media to medical offices—it can create a lot of unnecessary confusion and shame, especially if you or your partner experience low libido or low sexual desire.

So, what’s really going on when someone feels like their sex drive has disappeared? Let’s explore the science behind sexual desire and break down the 10 surprising reasons you might be experiencing low libido. And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic! 

First, Let’s Redefine “Sex Drive”: It’s Not What You Think

The term “libido” originated from Freud in 1905 and was defined as an instinctual drive, similar to hunger or thirst (Freud, 1905). But let’s be clear: sex is not a survival drive like breathing or eating. You will not die if you don’t have sex, even if it sometimes feels that way!

Modern sex research shows that sexual desire is better understood as an incentive motivation system (Singer & Toates, 1987; Toates, 2014). This means our desire for sex is shaped by internal and external motivators—like connection, pleasure, stress, or relationship dynamics—not an automatic biological impulse.

This shift in understanding is important because it gives you more control over your sexual experiences, and helps remove the shame around low desire.

The Truth About Desire: It’s Complex, Not Linear

For decades, the popular belief was that sexual response followed a linear path: desire → arousal → orgasm. But Dr. Rosemary Basson’s research in 2000 flipped that model on its head, particularly for women (Basson, 2000). Basson’s circular model highlights responsive desire, where people might not feel spontaneously “in the mood,” but desire emerges after sexual touch, cuddling, or emotional closeness begins.

And this doesn’t only apply to women—any gender can experience responsive desire.

Think of it like this: Some people heat up like microwaves (spontaneous desire). Others heat up like ovens (responsive desire). Both are normal. Both are healthy.

10 Reasons You Might Have Low Libido

1. Medical Conditions

Chronic illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and cancer can impact sexual desire by causing fatigue, nerve damage, or pain (Laumann, Paik, & Rosen, 1999). When your body is focused on survival, pleasure often takes a back seat.

2. Hormonal Changes

For men, low testosterone is a common culprit for low libido. For women, low estrogen levels—especially during menopause or postpartum—can cause vaginal dryness and discomfort during sex, making intimacy less appealing (Shifren et al., 2008).

3. Medications

Many medications, including antidepressants (SSRIs), blood pressure meds, and hormonal contraceptives, can decrease desire by affecting hormone levels, blood flow, or mood (Gupta, 2017b).

4. Mental Health Issues

Depression, anxiety, and chronic stress are major contributors to low libido (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). When your brain is in survival mode, it deprioritizes sexual desire.

5. Relationship Problems

Unresolved conflicts, poor communication, and lack of trust can shut down desire fast. Emotional distance in a relationship often leads to physical distance (Brotto & Velten, 2020).

6. Body Image Concerns

When you don’t feel good about your body, it’s hard to feel sexy. Negative body image and low self-esteem can lead to avoidance of sexual experiences altogether (Meston & Stanton, 2017).

7. Alcohol and Substance Use

While a glass of wine might feel like it sets the mood, excessive alcohol and drug use are depressants that dull sexual responsiveness and desire over time (Laumann et al., 1999).

8. Chronic Stress

Chronic stress is one of the biggest libido killers, flooding your body with cortisol, which interferes with relaxation and intimacy (Meston & Stanton, 2017).

9. Sexual Dysfunction

Issues like erectile dysfunction, painful sex, or genital pain disorders can create a cycle of avoidance and anxiety, leading to decreased sexual interest (Shifren et al., 2008).

10. Past Trauma

Survivors of sexual trauma often experience flashbacks, anxiety, or dissociation during intimacy, making sexual desire feel dangerous or overwhelming (Gupta, 2017a).

The Dual-Control Model: Understanding Your Accelerators and Brakes

One of my favorite tools to help clients understand desire is the Dual-Control Model by Dr. Erick Janssen and Dr. John Bancroft (2007).It teaches that desire is a balance of two systems:

• Accelerators (turn-ons): Flirting, sensual touch, erotic thoughts.

• Brakes (turn-offs): Stress, body image concerns, relational tension.

If your brakes are constantly pressed (like stress or past trauma), even the best accelerators might not create desire.Learning what presses your brakes and how to reduce them is a game-changer for nurturing healthy libido.

If you’d like to explore this, I recommend Emily Nagoski’s worksheets “Sexy Contexts” and “Turning Off the Offs” from her book Come As You Are—I often use these in my practice.

Tips to Cultivate Healthy Desire (Even When You Feel Stuck)

1. Communicate Openly - Talk about your needs, desires, and blocks with your partner. This creates safety and connection.

2. Identify and Manage Your Brakes - Reflect on what’s turning you off—stress, fatigue, unresolved trauma? This is where therapy can be incredibly supportive.

3. Explore Your Accelerators - Experiment with what turns you on without the pressure of performance—this could be fantasy, touch, new activities, or even solo exploration.

4. Prioritize Your Mental and Physical Health - Exercise, sleep, mindfulness, and therapy all support sexual wellness.

5. Challenge Cultural Myths - Reject the myth that you’re broken if you don’t feel desire “out of nowhere.” Desire is complex, personal, and deeply influenced by context.

When to Seek Help

If you’re feeling stuck, working with a certified sex therapist in Orange County like myself can help you explore these patterns in a safe, non-judgmental space. Together, we can identify your unique accelerators and brakes, address any underlying physical or psychological issues, and reignite your sexual desire—on your terms.

Conclusion

Low libido isn’t a character flaw—it’s often a symptom of something deeper going on in your body, mind, relationship, or history. The good news? Low libido is treatable, and you don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’re looking for support with low desire, sexual health, or relationship issues, I invite you to reach out. As a sex and relationship therapist, I help individuals and couples reconnect to their pleasure and rewrite the stories that keep them stuck.

If this blog resonated with you, don’t forget to check out my YouTube video on this topic and subscribe for more insights on sexual health and intimacy. And if you’re ready to start therapy, reach out today.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text revision). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.Basson, R. (2000). Women's sexual desire—Disordered or misunderstood? Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 17–28.

Brotto, L. A., & Velten, J. (2020). Sexual interest/arousal disorder in women. In K. M. Hertlein, G. R. Weeks, & N. Gambescia (Eds.), Systemic sex therapy (3rd ed., pp. 13-41). Routledge.

Freud, S. (1905). Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality.

Gupta, K. (2017a). "And now I'm just different, but there's nothing actually wrong with me": Asexual marginalization and resistance. Journal of Homosexuality, 64(8), 991-1013.

Gupta, K. (2017b). "What does asexuality teach us about sexual disinterest? Recommendations for health professionals based on a qualitative study with asexually identified people." Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(1), 1-14.

Janssen, E., & Bancroft, J. (2007). The dual control model: The role of sexual inhibition & excitation in sexual arousal and behavior. The Psychophysiology of Sex.

Laumann, E. O., Paik, A., & Rosen, R. C. (1999). Sexual dysfunction in the United States: Prevalence and predictors. JAMA, 281(6), 537-544.

Meston, C. M., & Stanton, A. M. (2017). Understanding sexual arousal and subjective–genital arousal desynchrony in women. Nature Reviews Urology, 14(5), 285-295.

Shifren, J. L., Monz, B. U., Russo, P. A., Segreti, A., & Johannes, C. B. (2008). Sexual problems and distress in United States women: Prevalence and correlates. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 112(5), 970-978

.Singer, J. L., & Toates, F. M. (1987). Sexual motivation. Handbook of Motivation and Cognition: Foundations of Social Behavior.

Toates, F. M. (2014). How sexual desire works: The enigmatic urge. Cambridge University Press.

About the author

Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With Ph.D. studies in Human Sexuality and extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in libido, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.