When Sex Feels Like a Chore: How to Reignite Desire and Reconnect with Your Partner

When sex starts feeling like another task on the list, it’s usually a sign of deeper emotional or relational disconnect. You’re not broken. You’re human.

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “Ugh, do we have to?” when your partner initiates sex, you’re not alone. So many couples hit this point — where intimacy starts feeling like another task on an already packed to-do list. And it’s not because something is wrong with you or your relationship. It’s because desire, connection, and arousal are far more complex than we were ever taught.

As a sex and relationship therapist, I see this all the time in my office. Partners who love each other deeply but feel disconnected sexually. One wants more, the other feels pressure. One feels rejected, the other feels guilty. And over time, the cycle repeats until sex starts feeling more like an obligation than an expression of love.

In this post, we’ll explore why sex can start feeling like a chore, what’s actually happening under the surface (both psychologically and physiologically), and how you can rebuild genuine desire — even if it’s been a while.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

Why Sex Starts Feeling Like a Chore

Let’s start by busting one of the biggest myths in our culture — the idea of a “sex drive.” Unlike hunger or thirst, sex is not a biological drive you need for survival. You won’t die without it. What we call “libido” is actually part of an incentive-motivation system — meaning we need an incentive, an emotional or psychological reason, to want sex (Singer & Toates, 1987; Toates, 2014).

When sex stops feeling rewarding — maybe because of stress, emotional disconnection, or exhaustion — that incentive weakens. So, it’s not that your “drive” is broken. It’s that the context around your desire has changed.

Think of all the things that can impact your mood and energy: long workdays, childcare, body changes, medications, resentment, sleep deprivation, or unresolved conflict. Each one of those can hit your sexual “brakes” (more on that soon).

When your body is running on stress and exhaustion, desire doesn’t disappear. It just gets buried under everything you’re carrying.

In other words, when life gets full, your brain prioritizes survival over sex. The same stress hormones that help you meet deadlines also dampen arousal.

Research consistently shows that chronic stress and fatigue are major predictors of low sexual satisfaction (Hamilton & Meston, 2011). So if sex feels like one more thing you “have to do,” your nervous system might just be too depleted to switch gears into desire.

Understanding How Desire Actually Works

The dual-control model (Janssen & Bancroft, 2007) explains that sexual arousal is governed by two systems:

• Accelerators — things that turn you on (flirty texts, touch, fantasies, novelty)

• Brakes — things that shut desire down (stress, performance pressure, body image concerns, resentment)

  
  

If your brakes are stuck, no amount of “accelerators” will work. For many women and couples, the problem isn’t lack of attraction — it’s that the context is killing desire.

Emily Nagoski (2015) calls this the “Sexy Context Effect.” You can’t simply will yourself to feel aroused. You have to create conditions where your body feels safe, relaxed, and open to pleasure.

Creating the right context matters more than chasing the “spark.” When you feel safe, relaxed, and connected, desire naturally follows.

You’ve probably been taught that desire is spontaneous — that spark that just “happens.” But for most people (especially in long-term relationships), desire is responsive. It emerges after arousal begins — once you’re relaxed, connected, and maybe already being touched or kissed (Basson, 2000).

So if you don’t feel in the mood right away, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It might just mean your desire needs a little warming up.

I often tell clients: some people are microwaves — they heat up instantly. Others are ovens — they take longer, but once warm, they stay warm longer. Both are normal.

When Connection Fades

When couples tell me sex feels like a chore, it’s rarely just about sex. It’s about disconnection.

Desire thrives on emotional closeness — feeling seen, valued, and understood. When communication breaks down, or daily stress replaces shared affection, your body stops associating your partner with safety and pleasure.

As therapist Esther Perel famously says, “Eroticism exists in the space between self and other.” It requires both closeness and separateness — safety to connect, but enough space to spark curiosity.

When arguments start replacing connection, desire usually fades. Repairing intimacy begins with repairing how you talk to each other.

If all your conversations revolve around logistics (“Who’s picking up the kids?” “Did you pay that bill?”), it’s easy for eroticism to disappear.

This imbalance often shows up along gendered lines. Research shows women still carry more of the household and emotional labor in relationships (Offer & Schneider, 2011). When you’re mentally managing everyone’s needs, it’s hard to switch into a state of receiving.

That doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t help — it means the mental load itself is heavy. When your brain is overloaded, there’s no room left for pleasure.

The Science Behind Low Desire

Arousal isn’t just mental — it’s physiological. It requires activation of your parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” state). Stress activates the opposite — your sympathetic “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

If you’re anxious, touched out, or resentful, your body won’t interpret sexual cues as safe or pleasurable. It’ll interpret them as pressure.

Mindfulness-based and body-based therapies have shown strong evidence for improving sexual satisfaction because they retrain the nervous system to associate intimacy with calm rather than tension (Brotto et al., 2012).

Add in cultural messaging — “Good partners always say yes,” or “Men always want sex” — and it’s easy to feel shame or guilt when you don’t match the script. These myths can make sex feel obligatory, which paradoxically shuts desire down further.

As long as sex feels like something you owe rather than something you choose, your brain will continue to interpret it as a stressor.

What to Do When Sex Feels Like a Chore

Here’s the good news: desire isn’t lost. It’s just buried under layers of stress, resentment, and routine. Rebuilding it means addressing both your emotional connection and your environment.

Start by identifying your brakes. Ask yourself: What’s getting in the way of wanting sex? It could be fatigue, stress, body image, conflict, medications, or pain. Once you identify the barriers, you can begin removing or working around them.

Emily Nagoski’s free worksheets “Sexy Contexts” and “Turning Off the Offs” are a great place to start (link to Come As You Are worksheets).

If sex feels like something you have to do, pause. Obligation kills arousal. Instead, reframe sex as a form of self-care or connection rather than performance.

Sometimes couples need a break from goal-oriented sex altogether — focusing instead on touch, affection, and sensuality without pressure for orgasm or penetration.

Set aside time to talk — not about chores or kids, but about how you’re feeling. Try the “High-Low-Gratitude” check-in: each of you shares a high point, a low point, and one thing you appreciate about the other.

A simple check-in can shift everything when desire feels distant.

This kind of emotional intimacy helps your brain re-associate your partner with warmth and safety — essential precursors for desire.

Desire also needs space to breathe. Schedule time that’s just for pleasure, even if it’s 20 minutes. Turn off your phones, light a candle, play music, or share fantasies.

Novelty and anticipation are powerful accelerators — so even small changes (different lighting, a hotel night, new touch) can reignite curiosity.

If you wait to feel in the mood, you might wait forever. Instead, focus on willingness — being open to see where touch leads, without pressure.

Research shows that sexual satisfaction often increases after engaging in intimacy, even if initial desire was low (Birnbaum et al., 2016).

So instead of asking, “Do I want sex right now?” try, “Am I open to connecting with my partner?”

When one partner wants more sex than the other, resentment can build. But mismatched desire isn’t a character flaw — it’s an invitation to collaborate.

Approach the topic with curiosity, not accusation. Use “I” statements like:

• “I miss feeling close to you.”

• “I’d love to find ways to connect that feel good for both of us.”

  
  

A couples therapist trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) or sex therapy can help guide these conversations safely.

Support can bring clarity and closeness. A guided conversation can help both partners feel understood and aligned again.

When It’s More Than Just Desire

Sometimes, feeling “touched out” or disinterested in sex can point to deeper issues:

• Pain during sex (e.g., vaginismus, vestibulodynia, erectile difficulties)

• Hormonal changes (postpartum, menopause, medications)

• Trauma or body image distress

• Relationship betrayal or unresolved conflict

  
  

If any of these resonate, it’s important to address them with professional support. Certified sex therapists (like those accredited by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) specialize in integrating emotional and physical aspects of sexual wellbeing.

How to Reconnect With Your Sexual Self

Desire isn’t something your partner gives you — it’s something you cultivate within yourself.

Explore your own erotic identity. What kind of touch feels good? What fantasies excite you? What makes you feel confident or sensual?

Using tools like sensate focus exercises, guided self-touch, or erotic journaling can help you reconnect with your body without pressure or judgment.

Exploring your desires starts with understanding yourself. Slowing down, tuning into your body, and reconnecting with your own erotic identity can transform how you show up in intimacy.

Challenge sexual perfectionism. So many people get stuck thinking, “If I don’t feel wild passion every time, something’s wrong.” But that’s perfectionism disguised as desire.

Drs. Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy’s Good Enough Sex Model reminds us that fulfilling sex is about connection, not performance. Sometimes, the most meaningful intimacy is gentle, slow, or even non-sexual.

The Mind-Body Reset

Desire isn’t just psychological — it’s embodied. Here are some science-backed ways to help your body remember pleasure:

• Mindfulness: Mindful attention during sex increases arousal and satisfaction by reducing distracting thoughts (Brotto et al., 2008).

• Movement: Regular exercise improves circulation, mood, and self-esteem — all linked to desire.

• Stress regulation: Practices like deep breathing, yoga, and EMDR therapy can retrain your nervous system to associate intimacy with safety.

• Sleep: Poor sleep is one of the top predictors of low libido, particularly for women (Kalmbach et al., 2015).

  
  

These changes may seem small, but over time, they build the foundation for sustainable sexual wellbeing.

Key Takeaways

• There’s no such thing as a broken “sex drive.” Desire is contextual, not constant.

• Stress, resentment, and disconnection are natural desire dampeners — not personal failures.

• Understanding your “accelerators and brakes” can help you work with your body instead of against it.

• Emotional intimacy and curiosity are the best aphrodisiacs.

• Rebuilding desire isn’t about forcing passion — it’s about creating conditions for pleasure to grow.

Small moments of touch and closeness can reignite desire and connection.

When to Seek Professional Help

If sex has felt like a chore for a long time, or if you’re experiencing pain, anxiety, or emotional distance, it may be time to reach out for support.

Working with a certified sex therapist can help you and your partner uncover the why behind the disconnection — and rebuild intimacy that feels authentic and nourishing.

References

• Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51–65.

• Birnbaum, G. E., et al. (2016). Desire in the context of long-term relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(2), 220–232.

• Brotto, L. A., et al. (2008). Mindfulness-based sex therapy improves sexual desire in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(12), 2878–2887.

• Brotto, L. A., Basson, R., & Luria, M. (2012). A mindfulness-based group psychoeducational intervention targeting sexual arousal disorder in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(11), 3048–3060.

• Hamilton, L. D., & Meston, C. M. (2011). Chronic stress and sexual function in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 8(11), 3143–3152.

• Janssen, E., & Bancroft, J. (2007). The dual control model: The role of sexual excitation and inhibition. Journal of Sex Research, 44(2), 121–134.

• Kalmbach, D. A., et al. (2015). Sleep, health, and sexual function in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(5), 1229–1237.

• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.

• Offer, S., & Schneider, B. (2011). Revisiting the gender gap in time use: Household work, child care, and leisure. Journal of Marriage and Family, 73(5), 933–947.

• Singer, B., & Toates, F. (1987). Sexual motivation. Journal of Sex Research, 23(4), 481–501.

• Toates, F. (2014). How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge. Cambridge University Press.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.