12 Lessons About Sex I’m Teaching My Daughters (That I Wish I Learned Sooner)

When I became a mother, I quickly realized that I wasn’t just raising children—I was raising future adults. And that means I have the privilege (and responsibility) of shaping not just their values and habits, but also their beliefs about their bodies, love, intimacy, and sex.

As a sex therapist, I see every day how the messages we inherit about sex in childhood and adolescence echo into adulthood. Clients come to me carrying the weight of shame, fear, or misinformation, often decades after they first learned about sex. Many of them say things like, “I wish someone had told me this sooner” or “Why didn’t I learn this when I was younger?”

And as a mom, I don’t want my daughters to wait until therapy to discover these truths. I want them to grow up in a home where sex is not a taboo subject, but a part of life we can talk about openly, safely, and without shame.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be oversharing or forcing information before they’re ready. It means that when the questions come—and they will—I want to have already created an environment where those questions are welcomed with love, not avoided with awkwardness.

So, this blog is for them. But it’s also for you—whether you’re a mom raising kids of your own, or a woman still healing from the messages you were given about sex.

Here are the 12 sex-positive lessons I want my daughters to carry with them as they grow up.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

Lesson 1: Your Body Belongs to You

When my daughters were toddlers, I started teaching them this lesson in small ways. “Do you want a hug right now?” “Can I brush your hair?” These were little reminders that their body is theirs—not mine, not anyone else’s.

No one has the right to touch you without permission. And you never owe anyone access to your body. That includes hugs from relatives, pressure from friends, or expectations in romantic relationships.

The earlier we learn that our body is ours, the easier it is to trust ourselves when we feel uncomfortable.

Lesson 2: Consent Is Essential

Consent is not a one-time checkbox. It’s an ongoing, enthusiastic “yes.” It’s also the freedom to say “no,” or to change your mind.

I want my daughters to grow up understanding that their voice matters. And I want them to know that respecting someone else’s “no” is just as important as having their own honored.

When I was a teenager, I didn’t always have the language to express when something didn’t feel right. I want my daughters to have that language—and the confidence to use it.

For resources, check out RAINN’s guide to consent.

Lesson 3: Sex Should Be Safe and Responsible

Being empowered means being informed. Contraception, STI prevention, and safe practices aren’t just “extra topics”—they are part of caring for yourself and your partner.

I remember sitting through sex ed in school and learning very little beyond “don’t get pregnant.” That wasn’t enough. What I want for my daughters—and for anyone reading this—is knowledge that helps them make responsible choices without fear.

Check out the CDC’s Sexual Health page for medically accurate information.

Lesson 4: Sex Should Never Be Painful

Too many women are taught to believe that pain is “normal” or something they should just endure. I hear it in my therapy office all the time: “I thought it was just supposed to hurt.”

No. Pain is your body’s way of saying something isn’t right. If something hurts, it’s time to pause, communicate, and figure out why. Sometimes the reason is physical (like hormones, pelvic floor tension, or medical conditions). Sometimes it’s relational or emotional. Either way, you don’t need to push through.

Lesson 5: Sex Is Meant to Be Pleasurable

Pleasure is not selfish—it’s the whole point. And yet, so many people—especially women—are raised to believe that sex is about someone else’s needs.

I want my daughters to know they are allowed to enjoy sex when they’re ready. That pleasure is natural, healthy, and nothing to be ashamed of. Research shows pleasure and intimacy are central motivators for why people engage in sex (Lehmiller, 2020).

Because sex without pleasure isn’t intimacy—it’s performance.

Lesson 6: You Don’t Owe Anyone Sex

Not even someone you love. Not even someone you’re in a relationship with.

Desire must be mutual for sex to be healthy. Obligation doesn’t create intimacy—it creates resentment. I want my daughters to carry the knowledge that they never “owe” someone else their body. Ever.

Lesson 7: Sex Is More Than Intercourse

Growing up, most of the “sex talks” I heard reduced sex to penetration. But sex is about so much more than what happens physically.

Real intimacy is about trust, laughter, eye contact, shared vulnerability, and connection. Sometimes sex is playful, sometimes tender, sometimes spiritual, and sometimes it’s just cuddling on the couch.

I want my daughters to know they get to decide what intimacy means to them.

Lesson 8: Media and Porn Aren’t Realistic

Porn is not sex ed. And yet, for so many people, it becomes their first teacher.

The truth is, porn is edited, exaggerated, and scripted for entertainment—not education. It rarely shows consent, communication, or real intimacy. If my daughters ever stumble across porn, I want them to remember: real sex doesn’t look like this.

Real sex is messy, imperfect, funny, tender, and unique to each relationship.

Lesson 9: Identity and Desire Can Evolve

When I was younger, I thought sexuality was something you just “figured out” once and kept forever. The truth is, identity and desire can shift throughout life.

It’s okay to question, to explore, to change. Who you love, what you want, how you identify—none of it has to be fixed. Sexuality is not a destination; it’s a journey.

I want my daughters to feel free to evolve without shame.

Lesson 10: Good Sex = Safety + Respect + Connection

We’re often told “good sex” is about skill or technique. But the truth is much simpler: the best sex is when you feel safe, respected, and connected.

Research on sexual satisfaction shows that trust and emotional intimacy are more predictive of fulfillment than frequency or performance (Basson, 2000).

That’s the measure I want my daughters to use—not what someone else defines as “good.”

Lesson 11: It’s Okay to Ask Questions and Make Mistakes

Sexuality is a lifelong learning process. No one has it all figured out. You’ll ask questions. You’ll make mistakes. And that’s okay.

The important thing is to stay curious, compassionate, and willing to learn. I want my daughters to know they don’t need to be perfect—they just need to stay true to themselves.

Lesson 12: You Can Always Talk to Me

Above all else, I want my daughters to know that they can always come to me. No matter what.

There is no question too awkward, no mistake too big, no experience too shameful to bring up. My love is unconditional, and my hope is that they’ll feel that in every conversation we have.

Because at the end of the day, silence breeds shame. Openness builds safety.

How These Lessons Shape My Work as a Sex Therapist

These aren’t just lessons I want for my daughters—they’re the lessons I offer to every client I work with.

When a new client reaches out, I know it takes courage. My intake process is designed to feel grounding and safe, beginning with a short consultation call and a first session focused on your story, comfort level, and goals.

Once therapy begins, our work becomes tailored and growth-focused. For individuals, this might mean healing trauma, challenging beliefs about worth or desire, or exploring pleasure. For couples, it often involves learning to communicate and reconnect intimately.

Why This Matters to Me

I became a sex therapist because I believe sexual wellness is essential to mental health and relationships. My mission is to help people heal from shame and trauma, embrace pleasure, and create intimacy that feels real and fulfilling.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, I bring both the science and the soul of sexuality into my work. And as a mom, I bring my heart.

These lessons are for my daughters. But they’re also for you. Because we all deserve to grow up with the truth: sex is supposed to be safe, consensual, pleasurable, and deeply human.

References & Resources

• References: Robb, M. B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. Common Sense Media. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.