7 Everyday Habits That Are Quietly Killing Your Sex Life (and How to Fix Them)

Holly Wood
Jan 20
7 min read

A woman lying in bed feeling disconnected from arousal, reflecting patterns often explored in sex and relationship therapy with a Psychologist or Couples Therapist in Orange County. — When desire doesn’t show up, it’s rarely about attraction. It’s often about stress, burnout, and everything that happened before getting into bed.

It’s easy to assume that low desire or sexual dissatisfaction must mean something’s wrong with your hormones—or your relationship. But in reality, for most people, sexual disconnection starts long before they ever get into bed. The truth is, many of us are unintentionally sabotaging our own sex lives through the everyday choices we make without realizing their impact.

As a sex and relationship therapist, I see this all the time. Clients come in worried they’ve “lost their spark,” when really, it’s a mix of stress, habits, and modern-life burnout slowly shutting down their arousal system. The good news? Once you understand the underlying patterns, you can rebuild desire—and connection—from the ground up.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

1. You’re Living in Constant “Go Mode”

If your brain is always running through to-do lists—emails, groceries, kids’ schedules—it’s no wonder you’re not feeling sexy. Chronic stress activates the sympathetic nervous system, also known as your “fight-or-flight” response. This state floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline, which are fantastic for survival but terrible for arousal.

A tired mother holding her baby while working on a laptop, capturing the mental load often discussed in relationship and sex therapy with a Psychologist or Couples Therapist in Orange County. — When your body is stuck in survival mode, desire doesn’t disappear. It just gets buried under exhaustion and mental load.

Research from the Kinsey Institute confirms that elevated stress and cortisol levels correlate with lower sexual satisfaction and decreased genital arousal (Hamilton & Meston, 2011). When you’re in survival mode, your body literally diverts blood flow away from the genitals toward the muscles and brain regions needed for focus and action.

Try this instead: Build “transition rituals” into your day. Light a candle, change clothes, or take five slow breaths when you finish work. This helps signal to your body that you’re safe to shift from productivity to pleasure mode.

💡 Pro tip: Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are calls this “completing the stress cycle.” Sex can’t happen when stress is unfinished business in the body. We complete the stress cycle by engaging in practices that signal to the brain and body that we are safe.

2. You Treat Sleep Like It’s Optional

Sleep is one of the most underrated aphrodisiacs. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women who slept just one extra hour reported a 14% increase in sexual desire the next day (Kalmbach et al., 2015). Poor sleep affects testosterone levels in all genders, dulls mood, and increases irritability—none of which set the stage for intimacy.

When you’re exhausted, your brain prioritizes rest over everything else, including sex. The same region of the brain responsible for arousal (the hypothalamus) also regulates sleep and fatigue, meaning tired brains simply don’t have the bandwidth for eroticism.

Try this instead:

Set a regular bedtime and protect it like an appointment.
Keep your bedroom dark, cool, and tech-free.
If you’re parents, take turns managing nighttime duties so both partners get at least one uninterrupted night of sleep each week.

3. You’re Glued to Screens (and It’s Changing Your Brain)

A couple lying back to back in bed, each on their phone, reflecting digital disconnection often explored in relationship and couples therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — When screens take up all the space in bed, connection quietly slips out.

It’s not just porn that affects desire—your phone, laptop, and endless scrolling all contribute. Dopamine, the “motivation” neurotransmitter, spikes every time you get a notification or scroll a new video. Over time, your brain becomes desensitized to smaller, subtler sources of pleasure—like touch, eye contact, or anticipation.

A study in JAMA Psychiatry found that high levels of digital media use were linked with increased attention difficulties and decreased emotional regulation in young adults (Radesky et al., 2020). These same neural pathways are critical for sexual attunement and connection.

Try this instead: Create “device-free zones” for intimacy—like your bed or dinner table. If that feels impossible, start with a 30-minute “tech curfew” before bedtime. This helps your body recalibrate to slower, more organic forms of pleasure and connection.

4. You’re Ignoring Your Body’s Basic Needs

When you’re running on caffeine, skipping meals, or relying on wine to unwind, your sexual energy tanks. Blood sugar crashes, dehydration, and excessive alcohol all interfere with arousal by dampening nerve sensitivity and circulation.

For example, alcohol—often used as a social lubricant—actually impairs genital blood flow and delays orgasm (George & Stoner, 2000). Similarly, chronic dieting or under-eating can signal scarcity to the body, reducing reproductive hormones like estrogen and testosterone.

Try this instead: Think of desire as a holistic system: you can’t expect your body to crave pleasure if it doesn’t feel nourished or safe.

Eat balanced meals with protein, healthy fats, and complex carbs.
Hydrate throughout the day (dehydration can mimic fatigue and low libido).
Swap the nightly glass of wine for a sensual ritual like herbal tea or a warm bath—something that relaxes you without numbing you.

5. You’re Not Moving (or You’re Overdoing It)

A woman exhausted after a workout at the gym, illustrating burnout and body strain often discussed in sex, relationship, and couples therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — When movement leaves you depleted instead of energized, desire often follows.

Exercise boosts circulation, endorphins, and confidence—all essential for a vibrant sex life. Yet both extremes—too little or too much—can tank desire.

Sedentary lifestyles are associated with poor vascular health, which can directly impact erectile function and arousal (Aytaç et al., 2000). But overtraining, especially in women, can suppress reproductive hormones and disrupt menstrual cycles (Loucks & Thuma, 2003).

Try this instead: Aim for moderate movement 3–5 times per week—something that makes you feel strong, not depleted. Yoga, strength training, or dancing can also help reconnect you to your body in a mindful, sensual way.

6. You’re Letting Resentment Build in Your Relationship

Nothing kills desire faster than unspoken resentment. When couples don’t feel emotionally safe or supported, sex becomes just another chore.

Psychologist John Gottman’s research shows that chronic patterns of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling predict relationship dissatisfaction and decreased intimacy (Gottman & Silver, 2015). When emotional bids for attention are ignored, your nervous system learns to protect itself by shutting down sexual interest.

Try this instead:

Schedule regular check-ins that aren’t just about logistics—ask, “How are we doing emotionally and sexually?”
Practice non-defensive listening and empathy.
If communication feels stuck, consider couples therapy or a sex therapist trained in Gottman or EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy).

❤️ Remember: emotional safety is foreplay. Desire thrives when both partners feel seen, valued, and secure.

7. You’ve Bought Into the Myth of Spontaneous Desire

We live in a culture obsessed with “chemistry”—the idea that desire should strike out of nowhere. But as I discuss in my YouTube episode on sexual desire, this expectation sets most couples up for failure.

Research by Dr. Rosemary Basson (2000) shows that desire is often responsive, not spontaneous—meaning it emerges after arousal, touch, or emotional closeness.

A happy couple playfully wrestling in bed, showing responsive desire and emotional safety often explored in relationship and couples therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — Playful touch creates the spark—desire often grows after connection begins.

Expecting yourself to feel turned on before any context is created is like waiting to feel hungry while staring at an empty plate.

Try this instead:

Redefine sex as a choice you make, not just a feeling you wait for.
Create conditions for arousal—schedule intimacy, set the mood, or initiate non-sexual touch first.
Be curious about what turns you on now (not what used to). Desire evolves, and so should our expectations of it.

Bonus: The “Dual Control” Insight

Drs. Erick Janssen and John Bancroft’s Dual Control Model (2007) explains that our sexual system has both an accelerator (things that turn us on) and brakes (things that turn us off). Everyday habits like stress, resentment, or exhaustion slam those brakes harder than you realize.

The key isn’t to “push harder” on the accelerator—it’s to release the brakes. This is why fixing desire isn’t about trying harder to want sex; it’s about cultivating the conditions where wanting feels possible again.

Reclaiming Your Desire: A Therapist’s Perspective

A couple sitting tensely in a therapist’s office, beginning a vulnerable conversation in couples and relationship therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — Reclaiming desire often starts with honest conversation and support.

When clients tell me they’ve “lost their libido,” I often remind them: you can’t lose something that’s part of you. What you’ve lost is access—buried under layers of stress, exhaustion, and disconnection.

Working through this doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be sexual. It means getting curious about what your mind and body are trying to protect you from.

If you’ve been in “shutdown mode” for a while, start small. Pleasure doesn’t have to mean sex—it might mean stretching in the morning, savoring your coffee, or taking a walk without your phone. Desire builds from aliveness, not obligation.

When to Seek Professional Help

If low desire persists despite lifestyle changes, there could be underlying medical or psychological factors. Common contributors include:

Depression or anxiety
Medication side effects (especially SSRIs or birth control)
Hormonal shifts (postpartum, menopause, low testosterone)
Trauma history or body image concerns

A certified sex therapist or healthcare provider can help assess what’s happening and create a personalized plan. You can find a qualified therapist through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR).

Final Thoughts

Your sex life isn’t broken—it’s responding to your environment. The same way your body craves rest when it’s tired, your sexual system shuts down when it doesn’t feel safe, connected, or cared for.

By addressing these seven habits, you’re not just reigniting sexual desire—you’re rebuilding the foundation for a more present, intimate, and joyful life.

References

Aytaç, I. A., McKinlay, J. B., & Krane, R. J. (2000). The likely worldwide increase in erectile dysfunction between 1995 and 2025 and some possible policy consequences. BJU International, 84(1), 50–56.
Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51–65.
George, W. H., & Stoner, S. A. (2000). Understanding acute alcohol effects on sexual behavior. Annual Review of Sex Research, 11(1), 92–124.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
Hamilton, L. D., & Meston, C. M. (2011). Chronic stress and sexual function in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 8(1), 256–263.
Janssen, E., & Bancroft, J. (2007). The dual control model of sexual response: Relevance to sexual dysfunctions. World Journal of Urology, 25(1), 105–112.
Kalmbach, D. A., Arnedt, J. T., et al. (2015). Sleep and sexual function in women: A daily diary study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(5), 1220–1229.
Loucks, A. B., & Thuma, J. R. (2003). Luteinizing hormone pulsatility is disrupted at a threshold of energy availability in exercising women. Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 88(1), 297–311.
Radesky, J. S., et al. (2020). Digital media use and mental health. JAMA Psychiatry, 77(7), 673–675.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.