Faking It: Why So Many Women Pretend to Orgasm

Holly Wood
4 hours ago
6 min read

A screencap of Sally dramatically faking an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally, a cultural touchstone often discussed in sex, relationship, and couples therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — A pop-culture moment that perfectly captures how orgasm can become a performance rather than an honest experience.

You've probably seen it in movies (hello, When Harry Met Sally) or maybe you've even done it yourself—faking an orgasm. It’s a topic loaded with cultural baggage, personal emotion, and sexual misconceptions. But why do so many women pretend to climax during sex? And what does it mean for their sexual satisfaction, self-esteem, and relationships?

As a sex therapist, I hear this question all the time. Many women carry shame, confusion, or guilt about their orgasmic experiences—or lack thereof. But pretending to orgasm isn't just a personal issue—it's a reflection of broader cultural scripts that prioritize performance over authenticity, and male pleasure over mutual satisfaction.

In this post, we’ll explore the science and psychology behind faking orgasms, what the research says about why women do it, and how to move toward more honest, fulfilling sexual experiences. And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

How Common Is Faking It?

Research suggests that faking orgasm is a common experience for women. Studies estimate that between 50–67% of women have faked an orgasm at least once (Muehlenhard & Shippee, 2010; Darling & Davidson, 1986; Cooper et al., 2014). In one study, nearly 70% of women reported pretending to orgasm to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings (Muehlenhard & Shippee, 2010).

In heterosexual relationships, women fake orgasms far more often than men, which closely parallels the persistent “orgasm gap”—the well-documented disparity in orgasm frequency between men and women in heterosexual sex (Herbenick et al., 2010; Garcia et al., 2014).

So if you've ever faked it, you're not alone. But the reasons behind it are more complex than you might think.

Top Reasons Women Fake Orgasms

Women fake orgasms for a variety of reasons, which researchers have grouped into two broad categories: partner-focused and self-focused motivations (Cooper, Fenigstein, & Fauber, 2014; Barnett et al., 2019).

A woman looking bored as her partner kisses her neck, a moment often explored in relationship and couples therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — When touch is happening, but connection and desire are missing.

🔹 Partner-Focused Motives:

To protect a partner’s ego
To show appreciation for their effort
To avoid hurting their feelings
To reinforce a partner’s technique
To prevent tension or disappointment

This type of motivation is called altruistic deceit—essentially, faking orgasm as an act of kindness.

🔸 Self-Focused Motives:

To increase your own arousal (elevated arousal)
To avoid feeling insecure or broken (fear and insecurity)
To end sex quickly (sexual adjournment)
To appear more sexually skilled or desirable (insecure avoidance)

While partner-focused motives are rooted in relational concern, self-focused reasons often stem from inner emotional needs, performance pressure, or even attempts to "hack" arousal.

Self-Focused vs. Partner-Focused Motivations

Understanding the distinction between these two motivation types is key—not just for clinicians and researchers, but for anyone navigating sexual authenticity and satisfaction.

Partner-focused reasons are often situational: maybe the sex isn’t that great, but you want to reward your partner’s effort or avoid awkwardness. These motivations are tied to relational dynamics and are often seen as protective or considerate.

A couple in bed holding each other after sex, the woman looking away despite hugging her partner, reflecting complex intimacy patterns often explored in couples and relationship therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — Closeness can coexist with unspoken dissatisfaction when pleasure feels like something to perform.

In contrast, self-focused reasons often reflect deeper psychological themes—like shame, performance anxiety, or a desire to appear sexually competent. Some women may fake it because they think something is "wrong" with them if they don't climax every time.

But here’s where things get interesting: some self-focused motives, like faking to increase your own arousal, might actually help women experience more consistent orgasms (Barnett et al., 2019).

The Psychology Behind It: Self-Perception Theory

One psychological explanation for this is called self-perception theory (Bem, 1972). The idea is that people interpret their internal experiences by observing their own behavior. If a woman fakes an orgasm—moaning, arching, vocalizing pleasure—she might interpret those cues as genuine arousal, which can actually lead to increased real arousal and eventually orgasm.

In short: faking it may sometimes trick the brain into getting there.

This doesn’t mean it’s an ideal strategy—but it reveals how powerful the mind-body connection is when it comes to sexual response.

Does Faking Orgasm Help or Hurt?

Most sex therapists historically viewed faking orgasm as harmful—because it’s deceptive, it reinforces unhelpful sexual patterns, and it interferes with authentic intimacy (Masters & Johnson, 1974; Tiefer, 1991).

And yes, when women fake orgasms to avoid conflict, hide dissatisfaction, or perform a sexual script, it can:

Prevent honest communication
Reinforce ineffective sexual behaviors
Deepen feelings of inadequacy or shame
Increase the orgasm gap

But research from Barnett et al. (2019) suggests a more nuanced reality: the reason why a woman fakes an orgasm may matter more than the act itself.

A couple lying in bed after sex, the woman turned away and unsatisfied, reflecting sexual disconnection explored in couples and relationship therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — When pleasure is performed instead of felt, disconnection quietly settles in.

Faking it to elevate your own arousal?

✅ Might support orgasm consistency.

Faking it out of fear, shame, or insecurity?

❌ Associated with lower orgasm consistency and satisfaction.

Faking vs. Orgasm Consistency: What the Research Says

Barnett and colleagues (2019) studied 998 women and looked at how different motivations for faking orgasm impacted how often they actually achieved orgasm during oral sex and intercourse.

🔍 Key findings:

Women who faked orgasms to increase their own arousal had higher orgasm consistency.
Women who faked orgasms out of fear or insecurity had lower orgasm consistency.
Partner-focused motives didn’t significantly impact orgasm frequency.

This suggests that the internal reason behind the behavior—not the behavior itself—can make the biggest difference in long-term sexual outcomes.

Talking About It: Communication, Consent, and Clarity

Let’s be real—faking orgasm is rarely talked about honestly, even between partners. Many women don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings, while others feel pressure to “wrap things up” or act out what they think sex is supposed to look like.

But when we stay silent, we reinforce a script where:

Male pleasure = the end goal
Female pleasure is optional or performative
Sex = penetration + orgasm (instead of connection and exploration)

Honest communication doesn’t have to be awkward or accusatory. Try:

“Here’s what feels really good for me…”
“I notice I’m in my head a lot and it’s hard to stay present—can we slow down?”
“Let’s explore some new ways to connect that don’t rely on just penetration.”

A couple sitting close in bed, talking openly about their sex life as part of relationship and couples therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — Sometimes the most important intimacy starts with a conversation, not an orgasm.

Rewriting the Script: What Healthy Pleasure Looks Like

If orgasm is the only goal, we miss the beauty of play, sensation, connection, and discovery. Let’s normalize:

Slower, more intentional sex
Diverse sexual scripts beyond penetration
Clitoral stimulation as essential, not extra
The full range of orgasmic experiences (or none at all!)
Emotional intimacy as part of arousal, not separate from it

The truth is, your body isn’t broken—and your pleasure is valid, even if it doesn’t follow the “standard” path.

Conclusion + Therapeutic Support

Faking orgasm is common—and complicated. While some women do it to spare their partner’s feelings, others use it as a way to cope with shame, anxiety, or pressure to perform. And for some, it’s a strategy to increase their own arousal.

But in the long run, faking it rarely supports mutual satisfaction or deeper intimacy.

If you’re struggling with orgasm consistency, performance anxiety, or feeling disconnected from your pleasure, sex therapy can help. I work with individuals and couples in Orange County (and virtually across California) to help people build more honest, connected, and pleasurable sexual lives.

💌 Ready to stop faking it—and start feeling it? Reach out for a consultation today.

A couple sitting far apart and looking sad in a therapist’s office, beginning couples and relationship therapy with a Psychologist or Therapist in Orange County. — When intimacy feels distant, honest conversations can open the door to real connection.

References

Barnett, M. D., Maciel, I. V., Van Vleet, S., & Marsden, A. D. (2019). Motivations for faking orgasm and orgasm consistency among young adult women. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 83–87. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.05.031
Bem, D. J. (1972). Self-perception theory. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 6, 1–62. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60024-6
Cooper, E. B., Fenigstein, A., & Fauber, R. L. (2014). The faking orgasm scale for women: Psychometric properties. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 423–435. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0212-z
Darling, C. A., & Davidson, J. K. (1986). Enhancing relationships: Understanding the feminine mystique of pretending orgasm. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 12(3), 182–196. https://doi.org/10.1080/00926238608415405
Garcia, J. R., Lloyd, E. A., Wallen, K., & Fisher, H. E. (2014). Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of US singles. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 11(11), 2645–2652. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12669
Herbenick, D., et al. (2010). An event-level analysis of the sexual characteristics and composition among adults ages 18 to 59: Results from a national probability sample in the United States. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(Suppl 5), 346–361. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02020.x
Masters, W. H., Johnson, V. E., & Levin, R. J. (1974). The Pleasure Bond: A New Look at Sexuality and Commitment. Boston: Little, Brown.
Muehlenhard, C. L., & Shippee, S. K. (2010). Men’s and women’s reports of pretending orgasm. Journal of Sex Research, 47(6), 552–567. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490903171794