My Case for Good Enough Sex: Why You Don’t Have to Strive for Perfect

What if the pressure to have ‘perfect’ sex is the very thing standing in the way of real satisfaction?

When most people talk about sex, especially in the context of long-term relationships, there’s often an unspoken assumption: that it’s supposed to be perfect. Passionate, spontaneous, mind-blowing—every time. But what if I told you that this pressure to have “perfect” sex could actually be the very thing that’s undermining your satisfaction?

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, I often work with individuals and couples who feel stuck—not because something is “wrong,” but because they’re chasing an unrealistic ideal. That’s why I love the “Good-Enough Sex” model developed by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy (2007). It offers a much-needed shift in how we think about sexual satisfaction: away from perfectionism, and toward connection, realism, and long-term intimacy.

In this post, I’ll break down what the Good-Enough Sex model is, why it matters, and how it can transform your relationship with sex—for the better.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

The Problem with “Perfect” Sex

Real intimacy isn’t about flawless performance— it’s about connection that feels good enough to be real.

Our cultural script around sex is full of myths. We’re bombarded with messages that great sex should be effortless, always orgasmic, and wildly passionate. But these standards aren’t just unrealistic—they’re harmful. They create performance anxiety, fuel shame, and make it difficult for people to enjoy the natural ebb and flow of sexual connection over time.

Research supports this: studies show that up to 50% of couples experience sexual dysfunction at any given time (Laumann et al., 1999), and many more report regular sexual difficulties, such as mismatched libidos, communication breakdowns, or low desire.

Yet, instead of normalizing these fluctuations, many couples interpret them as signs of failure.

That’s where the Good-Enough Sex model comes in.

What Is the “Good-Enough Sex” Model?

The Good-Enough Sex (GES) model is a biopsychosocial approach to sexual satisfaction. It acknowledges that sex is not just a physical act—it’s deeply relational, emotional, and contextual. According to Metz & McCarthy (2007), “good enough” sex is not a consolation prize. It’s a positive, satisfying, and realistic framework for couples to integrate into their everyday lives.

Rather than striving for perfection, couples are encouraged to embrace variability, imperfection, and emotional intimacy as cornerstones of their sexual relationship.

12 Principles of the Good-Enough Sex Model

Here’s a quick summary of the 12 key principles of the GES model—and why they matter for your intimate life:

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Number one: Sex is a positive dimension in life. It’s not just about function or frequency—it’s about connection, desire, pleasure, intimacy, eroticism, and satisfaction. It’s valuable.

Number two: Relationship and sexual satisfaction are intertwined. You’re not just lovers, you’re an intimate team. Building satisfaction in both areas means showing up for each other emotionally and sexually.

Number three: Realistic expectations are essential. That includes psychological, biological, and relational expectations. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection, growth, and adaptability.

Number four: Good health supports good sex. That means valuing your own body and your partner’s body. Habits like movement, sleep, nutrition, and stress management impact how present and responsive you are.

Good sex starts long before the bedroom—it begins with how we care for ourselves.

Number five: Relaxation is foundational. A relaxed body and nervous system support better sexual response, more pleasure, and less performance anxiety.

Number six: Desire and satisfaction matter more than arousal and orgasm. We’re told to chase the climax, but the reality is: the journey—the connection, the build-up, the affection—is where satisfaction often lives.

Number seven: Let go of perfection. The "85% rule" means not every sexual experience has to be amazing. A mix of great, good, and okay experiences is not just normal—it’s healthy. Chasing perfection leads to performance pressure and disconnection.

Number eight: There are five valid purposes for sex—pleasure, intimacy, stress relief, self-esteem, and reproduction. Knowing your reason and being open to your partner’s can create more fulfilling experiences.

Number nine: Embrace the three arousal styles. These are partner interaction (being turned on by each other), self-entrancement (being turned on by internal sensations), and role enactment (being turned on by fantasy or play). Knowing and blending them can enhance your connection.

Turned on by each other, by yourself, or by play — why not all three?

Number ten: Gender differences should be valued, not pathologized. Everyone brings something different to the table—and learning those patterns with curiosity creates stronger bonds.

Number eleven: Sex and life are connected. Your sex life will change over time, and it should. As you grow, age, parent, grieve, and heal—your sexuality evolves too.

Number twelve: Sex is personal. It can be playful, energizing, spiritual, special. The goal isn’t just pleasure—it’s meaning, connection, and presence.

Why This Model Resonates with My Clients

In my work with couples, especially those navigating mismatched desire or feeling disconnected after years together, the Good-Enough Sex model is a game-changer.

It offers a framework where both partners can breathe—where vulnerability is met with compassion, and effort counts more than outcome. It helps clients redefine “success” in the bedroom, not as flawless execution, but as mutual care, presence, and pleasure.

Whether we’re using EMDR to resolve sexual trauma, integrating EFT to rebuild emotional trust, or employing Gottman interventions to improve communication, this model underpins the deeper goal: intimacy that’s emotionally safe and mutually satisfying.

A Note on Desire, Arousal, and “Sex Drive”

Many clients come to therapy worried about low desire—especially in long-term partnerships. And often, they feel broken because they don’t experience spontaneous desire the way they did in the early days of their relationship.

Low desire isn’t failure — it’s an invitation to understand intimacy differently.

But here’s the truth: there’s no such thing as a universal “sex drive.” What we call libido is more accurately an incentive-based system, shaped by context, stress, connection, and individual motivation (Singer & Toates, 1987; Basson, 2000). For many, desire is responsive—it shows up once arousal or intimacy begins.

Normalizing this can help couples stop waiting for lightning to strike—and instead start cultivating connection that fuels desire.

What to Expect in Therapy with Me

When a new client reaches out, I know it’s often taken a lot of courage to do so. During the intake process, I aim to make things feel as grounded and welcoming as possible.

We’ll start with a brief phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit. If it feels aligned, I’ll send you intake forms and schedule our first full session. That first session is about understanding what brought you here and what you’re hoping to change or explore. I’ll ask some questions to get a sense of your relationship dynamics, sexual history (at your comfort level), and any challenges or patterns you’ve noticed. It’s not about judgment—it’s about getting the full picture so I can tailor our work together to your needs. You’ll also have space to ask me anything about my style or approach. My goal is to create a container that feels safe, collaborative, and deeply respectful of your story.

Once care has been established, our work becomes more tailored, intentional, and growth-focused. You can expect sessions that are supportive, insightful, and sometimes a little bit uncomfortable—in the best way.

Final Thoughts: Letting Go of “Perfect” for Something More Real

You don’t need “perfect” sex to have fulfilling sex. In fact, that belief might be what’s standing in your way.

Good enough is not mediocre—it’s mindful. It’s collaborative. It’s real. And in the messiness and imperfection of it all, there’s room for authenticity, trust, and genuine intimacy.

If you're ready to start exploring what "good enough" might look like for you or your relationship, I offer virtual sessions throughout California and in-person therapy intensives in Mission Viejo.

This isn’t surface-level therapy. It’s deep, transformative, and rooted in the belief that sexual wellness is an essential part of mental and relational health.

Let’s redefine satisfaction—together.

References

• Metz, M.E., & McCarthy, B.W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. DOI: 10.1080/14681990601013492

• Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2011). Enduring desire: Your guide to lifelong intimacy. Routledge.

• Basson, R. (2000). Women’s sexual desire—disordered or misunderstood? Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 17–28.

• Singer, E. A., & Toates, F. M. (1987). Sexual motivation. Journal of Sex Research, 23(4), 481–501.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.