The Secret to a Better Sex Life? Talking About It!

As a sex and relationship therapist, I hear it all the time:

“We just don’t talk about sex.”

“I don’t know how to bring it up.”

“What if I say the wrong thing?”

If you’ve ever felt nervous, awkward, or unsure about talking to your partner about sex, you are definitely not alone. In fact, one of the most common roadblocks to a fulfilling sex life isn’t a lack of chemistry—it’s a lack of communication. That’s why today I want to talk about something that might just be the most important skill for improving your sexual relationship: talking about sex.

Whether you're struggling with mismatched desire, wondering how to initiate more intimacy, or simply want to deepen your connection, learning how to talk about sex openly and comfortably can be a total game-changer. Let’s explore why it’s so hard, how to start, and practical tools to help you and your partner talk about sex in a way that builds connection, confidence, and closeness.

Why Is Talking About Sex So Hard?

If you find it difficult to talk about sex, you're not broken. You're human. In my practice, I work with individuals and couples across Orange County and beyond who struggle with the same thing. Here are some of the most common reasons why:

1. Shame and Stigma

Many of us grew up in homes or cultures where sex was never discussed—or worse, treated as something shameful. If sex was taboo in your upbringing, it's no surprise that talking about it as an adult now feels awkward, embarrassing, or even wrong.

2. Lack of Vocabulary

It’s tough to talk about something if you don’t have the language for it. Many people simply don’t know how to name their desires, boundaries, or experiences in ways that feel authentic and safe.

3. Fear of Rejection

Expressing your sexual needs can feel incredibly vulnerable. What if your partner thinks you’re weird? What if they say no? These fears can keep us silent and stuck.

4. Fear of Hurting Your Partner’s Feelings

Even when we want to be honest, many of us worry that bringing up concerns about sex will hurt our partner’s feelings or make them feel inadequate. This can lead to unspoken frustrations that build over time.

5. Past Experiences

If you've had negative or traumatic sexual experiences in the past, talking about sex might feel emotionally unsafe. It’s important to acknowledge this history and go at your own pace, or get support from a therapist if needed.

The Benefits of Talking About Sex in Your Relationship

When couples avoid conversations about sex, misunderstandings can grow. But when we learn to talk about our desires, curiosities, and challenges openly, it can lead to:

• Greater emotional intimacy

• More satisfying sexual experiences

• Reduced anxiety and shame

• Increased trust and safety

• A deeper understanding of yourself and your partner

In other words, talking about sex isn’t just good for your sex life—it’s good for your whole relationship.

How to Start Talking About Sex (Without It Feeling Weird)

So how do you actually do it—especially if it’s never been something you talked about before? Here are some sex therapist-approved steps you can take to ease into these conversations and make them feel more natural and less intimidating.

1. Start Small

You don’t have to start by confessing your deepest fantasies or addressing every concern all at once. Begin with lighter, low-stakes conversations about what you enjoy in your relationship, what makes you feel close, or what moments of intimacy you’ve appreciated lately. Think of it as planting seeds that will grow over time.

2. Pick the Right Time and Place

Timing matters. Don’t try to talk about sex during an argument or right before bed when you’re both exhausted. Find a calm, private moment where you won’t be rushed or interrupted—like during a walk, over coffee, or while cuddling on the couch.

3. Use “I” Statements

Language makes a big difference. Instead of saying, “You never initiate sex,” try, “I feel really desired when you make the first move. I miss that feeling.” Framing things from your perspective helps keep the conversation constructive rather than critical.

4. Normalize the Conversation

Talking about sex shouldn’t be a one-time event. Make it a regular part of your relationship check-ins. Just like you might talk about plans for the weekend or how work is going, sex deserves space in your conversations too.

5. Be Open to Feedback

A healthy sexual relationship involves two people. Make space for your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and preferences. Try to listen without defensiveness—even if their perspective surprises you.

6. Use Conversation Starters

If you don’t know where to start, try using a resource like my free Sex Conversation Starters Guide. It includes thoughtful prompts and questions designed to help you and your partner open up about your experiences, needs, and desires.

What If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Talk About It?

If your partner seems resistant, try not to take it personally. They may be feeling all the same fears you are—fear of judgment, rejection, or hurting your feelings. Let them know why it matters to you and approach the conversation with empathy and patience.

Some helpful things to say might be:

• “This feels vulnerable for me too, but I really want us to feel close and connected.”

• “I don’t expect us to solve everything right now. I just want to understand each other better.”

• “I care about our relationship, and I think talking about this could help us feel even more in sync.”

If it continues to feel like a struggle, working with a sex therapist can provide a safe and guided space for these conversations to happen.

How Sex Therapy Can Help

If you're feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure how to move forward, sex therapy can be a powerful tool. As a licensed sex and relationship therapist in Orange County, I help individuals and couples learn how to communicate openly, heal from past experiences, explore desire safely, and rebuild intimacy—both emotionally and physically.

Some of the ways I support clients include:

• Improving communication around sex and intimacy

• Addressing low libido or mismatched desire

• Working through shame, guilt, or cultural conditioning

• Healing from sexual trauma or negative past experiences

• Reigniting connection in long-term relationships

Therapy isn't just for when things are “bad”—it’s a proactive way to invest in your relationship and your sexual well-being.

Ready to Improve Your Sex Life by Talking About It?

The first step to better sex isn’t always in the bedroom—it’s in the conversation. If you’re ready to feel more connected, more confident, and more empowered in your relationship, I’d love to support you.

You deserve a relationship where you feel seen, safe, and satisfied. Let’s talk about it.

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

If this post resonated with you, be sure to check out my YouTube video on this topic for more insights. And don’t forget to download my free guide with sex-positive conversation starters for couples who want to connect more deeply.

About the author

Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With Ph.D. studies in Human Sexuality and extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in libido, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.