There's No Such Thing as Sex Drive?! Understanding Desire, Arousal & How to Increase Your Libido

As a sex and relationship therapist, one of the most common concerns I hear from clients is, “I just don’t have a sex drive anymore.” Whether it’s due to stress, relationship tension, physical health, or a combination of things, many people feel broken or defective when their libido isn’t matching what they think it “should” be. But what if I told you that there’s no such thing as a sex drive?

That’s right. The concept of a "sex drive" as something you're either born with or not is misleading—and often harmful. In reality, sexual desire is much more complex, and understanding it can be the key to reconnecting with your partner, your body, and your pleasure.

In this post, I’ll explain why the term “sex drive” is outdated, what’s really going on when you feel “low libido,” and how you can work with your own unique system of desire to feel more connected, more turned on, and more empowered. And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic! 

Where Did the Idea of a "Sex Drive" Come From?

The term “libido” comes from the Latin word for desire or lust and was made popular in the early 1900s by Sigmund Freud. Freud described libido as a biological drive—akin to hunger, thirst, or the need for warmth. This idea stuck, and for decades, we’ve used phrases like “high sex drive” or “low libido” as if sex were something our bodies need to survive.

But here’s the thing: sex is not a biological necessity. You won’t die from not having sex, even if it might feel that way sometimes! True biological drives are connected to survival. Sexual desire, on the other hand, is more accurately described as an incentive-motivation system—meaning we need a reason, a context, or an incentive to feel turned on.

The Toates’ model of sexual motivation and behavior (Singer & Toates, 1987; Toates, 1986, 2009, 2014, 2017, 2020)

Sexual Desire Is Not a Constant—And That’s Okay

One of the biggest myths I work to debunk in my sex therapy practice is the idea that healthy sexual desire is always “on.” Many people assume that if they’re not spontaneously craving sex, there must be something wrong with them. This simply isn’t true.

Sexual desire is influenced by a wide range of factors, including:

• Physical health (hormones, medications, chronic illness)

• Mental health (stress, anxiety, depression)

• Relationship dynamics (emotional intimacy, communication, conflict)

• Cultural and religious messaging (what we were taught about sex growing up)

The truth is, sexual desire ebbs and flows—across the day, across the week, and across our lifespans. And understanding your unique relationship with desire is a powerful step toward cultivating a satisfying sex life.

Desire vs. Arousal: What’s the Difference?

While they’re often used interchangeably, desire and arousal are not the same thing. Sexual desire refers to the psychological interest in sex—the want or motivation. Arousal, on the other hand, refers to the physiological response of your body when it becomes sexually excited. Some people experience desire first and then arousal. Others experience arousal first, which leads to desire. Both are completely normal, and neither is more valid than the other.

Rethinking the Human Sexual Response: Linear vs. Circular

Back in the 1960s, researchers Masters and Johnson proposed a linear model of sexual response: desire leads to arousal, which leads to orgasm, followed by resolution. But in 2000, researcher Rosemary Basson introduced a more nuanced model—especially for women—that suggests desire often arises in response to intimacy, not before it.

This “responsive desire” model resonates with many people who feel that they don’t experience spontaneous sexual cravings but do feel desire once they’re in a sexually or emotionally intimate situation. In other words, you might not want sex until you start kissing, cuddling, or touching—and that’s perfectly normal.

As I like to say in session: some people are microwaves and others are ovens. Microwaves heat up quickly. Ovens take longer, but they’re just as capable of reaching full heat.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Understanding whether your desire is more spontaneous or responsive can be a total game changer for how you approach sex. Spontaneous desire is what we see in movies—sudden, out-of-the-blue lust. Responsive desire, however, arises more gradually and usually requires some form of stimulation or emotional connection to get going.

Here’s why this matters: if you have responsive desire and you’re expecting to feel spontaneous lust like in the movies, you might think you’re broken. You’re not. You simply have a different template for desire.

Spontaneous VS Responsive Desire - Image Credit Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

The Dual-Control Model: Accelerators and Brakes

To go a step further, researchers Dr. Erick Janssen and Dr. John Bancroft developed the Dual-Control Model to explain how sexual arousal works. According to their research, every person has:

• Accelerators: Things that turn you on—like flirty texts, physical affection, or erotic thoughts.

• Brakes: Things that turn you off—like stress, performance anxiety, or unresolved conflict.

You can think of your sexual desire as a car. It’s not just about hitting the gas—it’s also about releasing the brakes. For many people I work with in my therapy practice, desire isn’t low because they don’t have accelerators—it’s because they have too many brakes engaged.

Want to get curious about your own accelerators and brakes? Check out Emily Nagoski’s free worksheets “Sexy Contexts” and “Turning Off The Turn Offs,” which I highly recommend to clients exploring desire.

What Affects Your Libido?

Desire isn’t static, and it's shaped by a range of factors, including:

• Hormones & physical health: Changes in estrogen, testosterone, or thyroid function can all impact libido. Medications like antidepressants or birth control can also play a role.

• Mental health: Anxiety, depression, and chronic stress can significantly dampen desire.

• Relationship satisfaction: Feeling emotionally safe and connected makes it easier to feel sexual.

• Cultural conditioning: What you were taught about sex growing up—whether it was “dirty,” shameful, or strictly for procreation—can influence your ability to experience desire today.

How to Increase Libido and Cultivate Healthy Desire

The good news is that desire can be nurtured. Here are a few research-based and therapy-tested strategies I often share with clients in my Orange County therapy practice:

1. Communicate openlyShare your desires, needs, and concerns with your partner in a non-blaming way. Use “I” statements like “I feel more connected when we’re physically intimate.”

2. Address your brakesIdentify what’s getting in the way of your desire—whether it’s fatigue, stress, body image issues, or unresolved resentment—and work on reducing those barriers.

3. Explore your acceleratorsWhat turns you on? Try new things, fantasize, or return to erotic content that made you feel good in the past.

4. Prioritize self-careSleep, movement, nourishment, and rest all contribute to a healthier relationship with your body and your desire.

5. Challenge cultural mythsLet go of the “always on” narrative. Your desire is valid, even if it’s inconsistent, slow to start, or responsive rather than spontaneous.

   
   

You’re Not Broken—You’re Human

One of the most liberating truths I share with my clients is that there's no "right" way to experience sexual desire. If your libido isn’t what it used to be—or never looked the way you thought it should—that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human.

If you and your partner are struggling to connect sexually, working with a sex therapist can help. Together, we can explore your unique blueprint for desire, break down shame and barriers, and cultivate a sex life that feels connected, pleasurable, and fulfilling.

Ready to Reclaim Your Desire?

If you're in Orange County or In the state of California and looking for a compassionate, knowledgeable sex and relationship therapist, I’d love to support you. Whether you're navigating low libido, mismatched desire with a partner, or challenges in sexual communication, you're not alone—and help is available.

Let’s work together to help you feel empowered, connected, and alive in your sexuality.

If this blog resonated with you, don’t forget to check out my YouTube video on this topic and subscribe for more insights on sexual health and intimacy. And if you’re ready to start therapy, reach out today.

Youtube: There's No Such Thing As Sex Drive!?

About the author

Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With Ph.D. studies in Human Sexuality and extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in libido, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.