12 Ways to Initiate Sex in Long-Term Relationships (Without It Feeling Awkward or Forced)

Holly Wood
3 days ago
6 min read

A wife gazing at her husband with a subtle, intimate look, illustrating how couples navigate sexual initiation in relationship and couples therapy with a psychologist or therapist in Orange County. — Sometimes the smallest cues carry the biggest meaning—initiation often begins with a glance, not a grand gesture.

Initiating sex shouldn’t feel like a high-stakes performance review. And yet, for so many long-term couples, that’s exactly what it becomes.

I hear this all the time in my therapy office: “We love each other. We’re close. We’re best friends. But when it comes to starting sex… we freeze.”

If that resonates, you’re not broken—and neither is your relationship. What you’re experiencing is a very common dynamic in long-term intimacy, especially for couples who are emotionally close, deeply bonded, and navigating busy lives.

In this article, we’ll explore why initiation gets harder over time, how anxiety and avoidance quietly take over, and—most importantly—practical, evidence-based ways to initiate sex without relying on jokes, pressure, or hoping the moment magically works out.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyOYXj_vztw

Why Initiating Sex Feels So Hard in Long-Term Relationships

Let’s start by normalizing the problem.

Many couples don’t struggle with desire as much as they struggle with initiation. Sex doesn’t happen—not because no one wants it—but because starting feels risky.

In long-term relationships, initiation often gets tangled up in three core fears:

Fear of rejection One partner worries: “What if I initiate and they say no?” Even a gentle “not right now” can feel deeply personal.
Fear of causing discomfort The other partner thinks: “What if I initiate at the wrong time and make them feel pressured?”
Fear amplification over time The longer you go without sex, the higher the emotional stakes feel. Initiation stops being a small moment and starts feeling like a referendum on the relationship.

A couple sitting stiffly on the couch, unsure what to say, capturing the tension and fear around sexual initiation often explored in couples therapy with a psychologist or relationship therapist in Orange County. — When initiation feels risky, silence can take over—even when both partners want connection.

Over time, couples often develop protective strategies—like humor, sarcasm, or vague hints—to soften the blow of possible rejection. Jokes become a buffer: “If it lands, great. If not, I was ‘just kidding.’”

While understandable, these strategies often increase confusion rather than clarity.

The Paradox of Desire in Long-Term Love

This struggle also makes sense through the lens of what psychologist and sex therapist Esther Perel famously describes as the paradox of desire.

Long-term relationships thrive on:

Emotional closeness
Predictability
Safety
Deep familiarity

But erotic desire often thrives on:

Novelty
Space
Uncertainty
Intentionality

When partners become very close—best friends, co-parents, business partners—sexual energy can get crowded out by emotional intimacy. Transitioning from “life logistics” to “sexual presence” doesn’t happen automatically anymore. It needs help.

This is not a failure. It’s a developmental phase of long-term love.

Why Joking About Sex Often Backfires

Humor can be sexy—but when it’s used as emotional armor, it tends to miss the mark.

Research on communication and intimacy consistently shows that indirect bids for connection are more likely to be misread or ignored (Gottman & Silver, 2015). When initiation is cloaked in jokes:

The receiving partner may not realize sex is actually being requested.
The initiator doesn’t get a clear yes or no—only ambiguity.
Both partners stay emotionally protected but sexually disconnected.

Over time, this reinforces a pattern of avoidance disguised as playfulness.

So how do couples shift out of this dynamic?

12 Ways to Initiate Sex Without It Feeling Awkward

Below are practical, therapist-tested strategies designed specifically for long-term couples who want sex to feel intentional, connected, and less anxiety-provoking.

A couple sitting together and talking openly about their feelings, reflecting the kind of emotional communication often supported in couples therapy with a psychologist or relationship therapist in Orange County. — Honest conversations create safety—and make intimacy easier to begin.

1. Name the Awkwardness Out Loud

Awkwardness loses power when it’s acknowledged.

Try:

“I notice I get nervous initiating because I don’t want to pressure you.”
“I miss being physical with you, and I’m a little rusty at starting.”

Research on emotional attunement shows that meta-communication—talking about the process itself—reduces threat and increases safety (Siegel, 2012).

2. Separate Initiation From Outcome

One of the biggest initiation killers is tying it to a guaranteed yes. Instead, agree ahead of time that:

Initiation is an invitation, not a demand.
A “no” isn’t a rejection—it’s information.

This aligns with consent research showing that clear invitations paired with emotional safety increase sexual satisfaction over time (Muehlenhard et al., 2016).

3. Schedule Initiation Windows (Not Sex Itself)

A couple checking their calendar together, planning time for connection in a way often encouraged in relationship therapy or couples therapy with a psychologist in Orange County. — Planning space for intimacy takes the pressure off—and gives desire somewhere to grow.

Scheduling sex can feel unsexy—but scheduling space for initiation often works better.

For example:

“Saturday afternoon is an intimacy window.”

“Let’s keep Sunday mornings open for connection.”

This reduces performance pressure while giving desire somewhere to land.

4. Use Clear, Simple Language

Long-term couples often overthink initiation language. But you don’t need poetry. You need clarity.

Try:

“I’d really like to have sex with you tonight.”
“Are you open to being intimate later?”

Studies on sexual communication show that directness increases satisfaction and reduces misunderstanding, especially in long-term partnerships (Byers & Demmons, 1999).

5. Initiate With Touch, Not Timing

Instead of asking when sex will happen, initiate with non-goal-oriented touch:

Sitting closer
Resting a hand on a thigh
Prolonged kissing

This helps shift the nervous system from cognitive mode into embodied awareness—a key factor in responsive desire (Basson, 2001).

6. Make Initiation Low-Pressure and Reversible

A couple in bed openly asking each other how they want to be intimate, reflecting the kind of communication often supported in couples therapy or relationship therapy with a psychologist in Orange County. — Talking it through turns intimacy into a shared choice, not a guessing game.

Initiation doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing.

Try:

“Want to make out and see where it goes?”
“No pressure, but I’d love to be close.”

This lowers the stakes and invites curiosity rather than obligation.

7. Create a Shared Initiation Language

Some couples benefit from coded but clear signals:

A specific phrase
A shared emoji
A predictable ritual (like showering together)

When both partners agree on the meaning, it reduces guesswork and anxiety.

8. Decouple Desire From Self-Worth

For the partner afraid of hearing “no,” this is crucial.

Neuroscience research shows that rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Eisenberger et al., 2003). Practicing emotional regulation around initiation helps prevent shutdown or avoidance.

A helpful reframe:

“A ‘no’ today doesn’t mean ‘no’ to me.”

9. Transition Intentionally From Closeness to Eroticism

Long-term couples often skip the bridge between daily life and sex.

Try intentional transitions:

Changing clothes
Lighting a candle
Putting phones away
Playing music

These cues signal the nervous system that something different is happening.

A couple lying in bed sharing earphones and listening to music together, a gentle transition ritual often encouraged in relationship therapy or couples therapy with a psychologist in Orange County. — Sometimes intimacy starts with something simple—like sharing a song and slowing down together.

10. Normalize Desire Differences

Desire ebbs and flows over long relationships—and that’s normal.

Research consistently shows that desire discrepancy is the rule, not the exception (Mark, 2015). What matters is how couples respond to it—not eliminating it entirely.

11. Talk About Initiation Outside the Bedroom

Have the conversation when you’re not trying to have sex.

Discuss:

What feels good
What feels awkward
What each of you fears

This reduces reactivity and builds a shared roadmap.

12. Get Support When Patterns Feel Stuck

A couple sitting with a psychologist during a relationship therapy session in Orange County. — When initiation patterns feel stuck, therapy can help couples unpack the deeper emotional and relational dynamics behind intimacy struggles.

If initiation anxiety has become entrenched, working with a sex therapist can help unpack:

Attachment dynamics
Shame histories
Trauma responses
Communication patterns

Evidence-based sex therapy integrates relational, emotional, and physiological factors—because desire is never just one thing.

What This Struggle Is Not About

Let’s be clear about what this dynamic doesn’t mean:

It doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.
It doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.
It doesn’t mean attraction is gone.

It means you’re in a long-term relationship that needs intentional erotic care.

Final Thoughts: Initiation Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait

No one is “bad at initiating sex.” Initiation is a learned behavior shaped by fear, attachment, and experience.

When couples stop relying on jokes and start practicing clarity, curiosity, and compassion, initiation becomes less about risk—and more about connection.

If this article resonates, you’re not alone. And with the right tools, this is absolutely something that can change.

Academic References & Further Reading

Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women's problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi.org/10.1080/713846827
Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499909551983
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? Science.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Mark, K. P. (2015). Sexual desire discrepancy. Current Sexual Health Reports, 7(3), 198-202.
Muehlenhard, C. L. (2024). A broader view of sexual consent: Prerequisites that make consent more meaningful. Psychology of Violence, 14(6), 449.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Publications.

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.