5 Valentine’s Day Mistakes That Ruin Sex (Even in Good Relationships)

Valentine’s Day is marketed as the most romantic day of the year—filled with candlelit dinners, thoughtful gifts, and passionate sex. But for many couples, the reality looks very different. Instead of connection, Valentine’s Day often brings disappointment, pressure, resentment, or even conflict.

As a sex and relationship therapist, I see the aftermath of Valentine’s Day every year in my therapy office. Couples who otherwise love each other find themselves arguing, feeling rejected, or quietly wondering why intimacy felt so forced or underwhelming. What’s important to understand is this: Valentine’s Day doesn’t ruin sex—our expectations and myths about sex do.

In this article, we’ll explore the five most common Valentine’s Day mistakes that sabotage intimacy, even in healthy relationships. More importantly, we’ll unpack why these mistakes happen and what to do instead so that connection feels intentional, collaborative, and pressure-free.

And if you'd rather watch than read, feel free to check out my YouTube video on this topic!

Why Valentine’s Day Creates So Much Pressure Around Sex

Before diving into the five mistakes, it’s helpful to understand why Valentine’s Day is such a minefield for intimacy.

Valentine’s Day is a symbolic holiday. It carries cultural expectations about romance, desire, generosity, and sexual availability. Research in relationship psychology shows that when expectations are high and rigid, satisfaction tends to decrease—especially when reality doesn’t match the ideal (Fletcher et al., 1999).

Add to that:

• Long workdays

• Financial stress

• Parenting demands

• Body image concerns

• Desire mismatches

…and you have the perfect storm for disappointment.

Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s influenced by physiology, emotions, context, and relational dynamics. Valentine’s Day often ignores that reality.

Mistake #1: Waiting Until After a Big Dinner to Have Sex

One of the most common Valentine’s Day assumptions is that sex should happen after the date—after the reservation, the cocktails, the appetizers, the main course, and dessert.

From a physiological standpoint, this timing works against arousal.

When you eat a large meal, your body diverts blood flow to digestion. The parasympathetic nervous system shifts into “rest and digest” mode, which is great for your gut—but not ideal for sexual arousal. Add alcohol into the mix, and many people experience decreased sensitivity, erectile difficulties, or trouble staying present in their bodies (George & Stoner, 2000).

By the time couples get home, they’re often:

• Overfull

• Tired

• Slightly disconnected

• Expecting sex to “just happen”

  
  

A helpful reframe many couples find relieving is this: If sex matters, don’t save it for last.

Having sex before going out—or earlier in the day—often leads to:

• More energy

• Less pressure

• Greater bodily awareness

• A sense of connection that carries into the evening

  
  

This approach doesn’t diminish romance; it supports it.

Mistake #2: Not Setting Expectations Ahead of Time

This is arguably the most damaging—and most preventable—Valentine’s Day mistake.

Many couples assume they’re on the same page about what Valentine’s Day “means.” But in reality, expectations often differ wildly. One partner might expect:

• A thoughtful gift

• A handwritten card

• Planned intimacy

• Emotional reassurance

  
  

While the other partner might assume:

• Dinner reservations are enough

• Valentine’s Day isn’t that important

• Gifts are optional

• Sex will happen naturally

  
  

When expectations go unspoken, disappointment feels personal.

Research on relationship satisfaction consistently shows that unmet expectations—not conflict itself—are one of the strongest predictors of resentment (Overall et al., 2016). When effort feels mismatched, one partner may feel unappreciated while the other feels unfairly criticized.

A simple, proactive conversation can prevent this:

• “What does Valentine’s Day mean to you this year?”

• “Are we doing gifts, experiences, both, or neither?”

• “What would help you feel appreciated?”

  
  

Clear expectations don’t kill romance. They create safety.

Mistake #3: Treating Sex as the Goal of the Night

Valentine’s Day sex often becomes goal-oriented: sex is expected, planned for, and silently evaluated. This mindset turns intimacy into a performance rather than an experience.

When sex becomes the goal, people often:

• Monitor their arousal

• Worry about disappointing their partner

• Feel pressure to orgasm

• Disconnect from their bodies

  
  

From a sex therapy perspective, this activates anxiety—one of the biggest inhibitors of desire. The Dual Control Model of sexual response explains that arousal depends on a balance between excitation and inhibition systems (Bancroft & Janssen, 2000). Pressure, anxiety, and self-monitoring all increase inhibition.

A more helpful approach is shifting the question from: “Are we going to have sex tonight?” to: “How do we want to feel connected tonight?”

When connection is prioritized, sex often follows organically—without force.

Mistake #4: Assuming Desire Should Be Automatic Because It’s Valentine’s Day

One of the most harmful myths surrounding Valentine’s Day is the belief that desire should appear on command.

Desire doesn’t work on a calendar.

Many people—especially women and people in long-term relationships—experience responsive desire, meaning desire emerges after arousal begins, not before (Basson, 2001). Stress, exhaustion, mental load, and emotional disconnection can all delay or block desire.

Judging yourself or your partner for not feeling instantly turned on often leads to shame. And shame is profoundly anti-erotic.

Instead of self-criticism, curiosity is far more effective:

• “What would help me feel more open to connection?”

• “What kind of touch feels good right now?”

• “What helps my body feel safe enough for arousal?”

  
  

Desire is not a character trait. It’s a state influenced by context.

Mistake #5: Ignoring Emotional Labor and Effort Imbalance

Valentine’s Day has a way of highlighting existing imbalances in relationships.

If one partner handled:

• Planning

• Reservations

• Gifts

• Emotional tone

• Anticipation

…and the other partner simply showed up, resentment often follows—especially if sex is then expected as a “reward.”

Research on emotional labor shows that feeling unseen or unsupported significantly impacts desire and relationship satisfaction (Dean et al., 2019). When one partner carries the invisible load, sex can start to feel transactional or obligatory.

Desire thrives when partners feel:

• Appreciated

• Considered

• Met halfway

  
  

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about shared effort and acknowledgment.

Why Valentine’s Day Sex Disappoints So Many Couples

Valentine’s Day concentrates unrealistic expectations into a single evening. It asks sex to do too much:

• Repair disconnection

• Prove love

• Validate worth

• Create closeness on demand

  
  

Sex isn’t meant to carry that weight.

Healthy sexual intimacy is built through ongoing communication, emotional safety, and mutual curiosity—not one high-stakes holiday.

How to Do Valentine’s Day Differently

If you want Valentine’s Day intimacy to feel better, consider:

• Talking about expectations in advance

• Decentering performance

• Prioritizing connection over outcomes

• Choosing timing that supports arousal

• Naming effort and appreciation explicitly

  
  

These shifts don’t just improve Valentine’s Day—they improve your sex life year-round.

Final Thoughts

Valentine’s Day isn’t the problem. The myths we attach to sex, desire, and romance are.

If Valentine’s Day has ever left you feeling frustrated, rejected, or confused, you’re not broken—you’re human. Intimacy works best when it’s collaborative, flexible, and grounded in reality rather than fantasy.

If this article resonated with you, I encourage you to continue the conversation—with your partner, with yourself, or with a trained professional who can help you unpack what’s getting in the way of connection.

References & Further Reading

• Bancroft, J., & Janssen, E. (2000). The dual control model of male sexual response. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews.

• Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.

• Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Thomas, G. (1999). Ideals in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

• George, W. H., & Stoner, S. A. (2000). Understanding acute alcohol effects on sexual behavior. Annual Review of Sex Research.

• Overall, N. C., et al. (2016). Regulating partners in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

• Dean, L. R., et al. (2019). Emotional labor and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

• American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists

• Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality

About the author

Dr. Holly is a leading expert in sexual health based in Orange County, certified as both a clinical sexologist and AASECT sex therapist. With extensive experience in sex therapy, sexual wellness, and relationship counseling, Holly provides evidence-based insights to clients in Orange County, the state of California and beyond. Recognized for expertise in sexual trauma recovery, sexual dysfunction, and intimacy, Holly is dedicated to empowering individuals with practical advice and research-backed strategies. For more, follow Holly for expert advice on sexual health and relationships.

Visit www.thehollywoodsexologist.com to learn more and request a consultation.